Ex Lovers

To all my Ex Lovers,

I still love you

But I’m glad I chose myself

I got lost in your ways

Trying to hold on to you,

I was letting go of myself

I love you, yes

But keep your distance

I was not able to love us equally

And I can not give you what you want

I am focusing on me,

Again

Again, because each time one of you come

I fall again with no one to pick me up

Again, because each time I see your face

I recall the pain of losing myself

Drowning in your so called “love”

I am not trying again

Though, if you made me change my mind

I’d pray this would be the last time

The last time, I give any more of my heart to you

Hoping you would have learned how to hold me gently

Hoping you would have learned how to love me as I once loved you

Hoping you would have learned how to see what effort brings

I still love you,

Because I don’t take those words lightly

And you are still in my heart

The pieces I’m still trying to heal

The pieces I’m still trying to love so hard

It erases the pain for eternity

Dear Ex Lovers,

Do you still wish things were different?

Do you still wish you saw me during the times you tried to make me different?

Do you still wish that you told me earlier of the feelings you were hiding from me?

I still love you,

I’ll always love the hearts I tried to mend

Trying to show you, you were worthy of real love

While you stomped on my heart

Trying to show you, I was everything you needed

While I neglected my own heart

I was a fool for you

I was intently hanging on to every word, every syllable

He said it, he will do it

He said it, he meant it

He said it, he will show me

He said it, he meant no harm

I was a fool to think my love would have changed you

Or maybe it did,

But you waited until it was gone

To see it

I still love you, yes

I still think you deserve the best, yes

I still wish for your happiness, yes

I’ve just learned, in all the hard ways

I love too much

I wish the love I gave you,

I gave myself

So now, it’s my turn

So now, I deserve

So now, I wish

So now, I give

All my love to me,

The one love my Ex Lovers didn’t know how to keep

5.13.2020

Love, A Wanderer

I found myself in your laugh
I found myself in your smile
I found myself in your eye’s reflection
I found myself in your heart
I found myself in your soul
I found myself in your dreams
And yet, I still wander
Looking for my new place to call
Home
Looking for my heart as it continues to roam
Looking for my love as I walk pass my own reflection
Looking for my confidence to show
Looking for my reason and season to turn into lifetime
I found myself in you
But I’m still looking for myself in me, too

4.15.2020

First

I used to love you

Never thought you’d never be mine

Wished for you a thousand times

Written books in your spirit

Nightmares in your soul

I would have traveled the world

If you wanted me to

I would I have traveled for you

But greedy hands do not hold on

Selfish hearts do not bleed

And after years of playing with mine

You see

You see that my heart bled for you

My hands held on to you

My soul screamed at night for you

My spirit wrote your name in everything

Everything was about you

And while there will never be another time

I still find myself looking for you

I find you in others

Hoping one might be the better version of you

Hoping that they don’t have all your colors

I think I’m doing this all wrong

You still haunt me in my dreams

I wish you would leave

I wish I never told you I’d always love you

That you’d be my forever

That you were home

I used to love you

So much I couldn’t stand it

The pain and the relief

With just one look into your eyes

I used to love you

Before I learned to love me

I wish you were never mine

I’d be looking for some other to find

2.25.2020

Sweet Honey for Her Taste

One of my old favorites…

Searching

I’ve been waiting for those whispers

To carry sweet words into my soul

Sing loud to my heart

And never letting go

Sweet story of a little girl

Dreaming way beyond the horizon

Searching and searching

Not for extraordinary

But for plain ordinary

Simplicities are the sweet honey

For her taste

Complexities are just filled with bitterness

The bitterness she does not desire

So why does she continue on her search?

Looking for the king who

Stole her heart

Stole her soul

Stole her mind

Stole her body

Continuing across the valley

She searches

Quietly listening to the wind’s words

Hoping she’s going into the right direction

Have to be in the right direction…

7.8.2008

Line Up

If I could line you all up

One by one

Point out each of you who

Stole my heart

Point out each of you who

Wasted my time

Point out each of you who

Told me lies

The truths would unfold

And you’d all be given

Time

Time for the all the times

You thought it was okay

To leave me stranded

To leave me unknowing

To leave me unloved

To leave me waiting

Time

Time for all the times

You claimed you wanted more

Only to follow in the footsteps

Towards the door

If I could line you all up

I would make sure you knew

All the shit you pulled

You didn’t get away with it

Time is now your best friend

Time is all you have left

Time is what I’m taking back

You thought this was just a game

Until your Time ran out

2.17.2020

Fragments

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m trying to save you,
I’m saving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne


The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.

I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships.   I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving.  Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.

Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending.
Keep loving yourself.

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m learning to love you,
I’ve been loving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

Tender Kisses

Blow kisses my way

Hope they land perfectly

Falling upon the tears

That shed

And creating peace

Where sorrow lives

Blow kisses my way

Hope they land perfectly

Falling upon my lips

That were formed for you

To melt our hearts into one

Blow kisses my way

Hope they land perfectly

Falling upon my forehead

To ease the anxiety

To allow my body to sleep at night

Blow kisses my way

Place kisses on me

Kiss me and all my worries away

1.6.2018

Heart Strings

My brother has been on my mind all day. I mean he’s there all the time anyways, but today it’s been constant. To be honest I cried in the car earlier today. Certainly will be while writing this. Just those moments when you miss someone so much and you just want to hear their voice and you are trying to remember their voice. I know I can’t forget him, that is impossible, but some days…ugh, it’s like how come I can’t hear him?? Grief is never easy and it’s never ending. And even on silly holidays like Valentine’s it makes you miss the important people in your life even more. Love is shared every day and if you are lucky to know real love ( family or romantic) it’s hard when you are missing it.

It dawned on me that there was a Valentine’s day years ago, like 14 years or something, when I couldn’t talk to my brother. Some things had happened and we hadn’t talked in a while. Well he called me on Valentine’s and I missed his call because I was in class (or probably the horrible cell phone service we had then). I freaked out because I just needed to talk to him. He eventually tried calling again and we talked briefly. You just never know how important those moments are and how they will affect you years to come. And honestly, that’s all I want right now is to talk to him. I want to hear him laugh and joke. Say something tremendously stupid so he could get me to laugh. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfectly mine. He’s probably looking at me now like “really, Lindsey…it’s okay, I’m here.” 🙂

If you are dealing with grief, I hope you have a great support system around you or feel comfortable to talk about it. I actually keep a lot in, but writing about it is healing for me and I believe it can be healing for others. We are all dealing with it and if you aren’t now, you certainly will at some point in your life. Just be kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge when it comes to, feel it fully, take a deep breathe and let it go. It is okay. You will be okay, for that I promise. One day at time.

To my brother, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you with everything I have. Until we see each other again, I’ll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Lindsey

All the Things

I am all the things

You think I am

Because your mind won’t

Allow you to see clearly

I am all the things

You think I am

Because your heart has

Grown cold

I am all the things

You think I am

Because you refuse to love

Me entirely

I am all the things

You think  I am

Because you don’t know me

I am all the things

You think I am

Because I simply refuse

To correct you

I am all the things

You think I am

And I am all the things

You’ll never have

2.1.2020

Be Sure

To those looking for love

Be sure you are ready for love

Be sure you have done some work on self

Be sure you don’t take your insecurities out on others

Be sure you are ready for everything that comes with knowing someone new

Be sure you are enough for you

Be sure you are ready to be a supporter of your love

Be sure you are ready fight for love

Be sure you are constantly working on bettering yourself

Be sure you love whole heartly

Be sure you communicate effectively

Be sure you play no games

Be sure you are ready for all the good and bad

And more importantly, be ready to look in the mirror and love yourself.

2.8.2020