Great Expectations

ex·​pec·​ta·​tion:

1. A strong belief that something will happen or be the case.

2. A belief that someone will or should achieve something.

Oxford Dictionary

We often have expectations for all things in life… whether it’s our expectation of self or with others in mind. We all have set standards for things. Work, friendships, relationships, projects, errands, etc. It’s natural. We have all learned at some point to adjust our expectations…but is that a good thing or bad? What happens when we do not meet our expectations? Are these the same as our needs? If we can not meet our own expectations how do we hold others accountable? Do we treat them differently?

Are You In or Are You Out?

I thought I should lower my expectations

but what purpose would that serve?

I deserve everything and more

I deserve the fight

I deserve the right

I deserve the truth

So my expectations stay the same,

Dare they even rise

Are you in or are you out?

[2.18.2019]

Redirection to Healing

Young Lindsey was a “wise, old soul”

Things she spoke of, still surprise me

Things I thought I just felt

She already had the words

She already experienced

And it reminds me that life is still a constant circle

A circle I thought I broke

A circle I thought I could mend

But there are those feelings again

You can’t heal

You can’t blame them

You saw the signs, clear as day

Thought the preview was going to be different than the show

Return to your self

You can heal

Start from ground zero

and build yourself so high

Forgive yourself for the repeated mistakes

Thank yourself for lessons learned

Believe that you can trust in love again

See your own signs and redirect yourself

until you are on the right path

Remember what Young Lindsey said

She’s right there, she never left you

[2.18.2019]

To Forgive All, To Regret Nothing…A Heart’s Desire.

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Henry David Thoreau

Heart Wants Love

I’ve continued to ask this question,

“What do I want?”

It seems like such a broad question

with so many answers,

But I feel conflicted with them all

and I try to go with my heart.

My heart’s content means so much to me,

As it’s what keeps me alive,

beating in and out.

And so I ask my heart,

“Dear heart of mine,

What do you want?”

And my heart answers,

“To be completely healed from all previous pains,

To be loved like nothing else,

To be happy with the smallest, simplest

things in the world,

To have a man look at me with so much passion

it makes me skip a beat and sing,

To love hard and slow, great loves should

not be rushed,

To love with all of me

and hold full confidence in self,

To be content even if

it’s just I beating,

To forgive all, to regret nothing,

To live and breathe each day,

To have strength and wisdom

beyond my many years,

To love, to love, to love…”

And my heart continues to sing

Though it still feels pain,

Though it still chases a love so far away,

Though it’s strength seems to be dwindling,

So many wants in this world,

And my little heart of mine

just wants what it truly needs,

And therefore,

My lovely heart will continue to fight,

to fight in what it believes in and what it wants…

Mind, body, soul…my heart loves.

[2/14/2010]

Home Is Where The Heart Is

As I was doing my Daily Calm (on Calm App) meditation this morning, they of course focused on Love. But today was a reminder about self-love. No matter what your relationship status is, self-love is still the greatest love of all.

This reminded me that as many times as I have written love poems, a good amount of them are actually love poems to myself. So today, I chose one to share.

Happy Valentine’s Day to each and every one of your hearts. I hope you find your way back home…

Welcome Home

Wandered too far down a path

less traveled

Wandered to the depths to find love

That was all that mattered

Wandered to roundabouts

and cul-de-sacs

Circling round and round

Thinking you’d get somewhere

Where love was found

Wandered past highways

and broken fences

Through tall grasses and

thorned bushes

Wandered past security alarms

and biting dogs

All to find a love now stuck in bogs

Wandered to ships by the shore

Looking for a love to sail you away

But all you found

Was love destined to drown

Two hearts tied to one another

One thinking the anchor saved them

The other thinking the anchor sank them

Wandered past deserted homes

and run down cars

All whom belonged to the

love you seek

Wandered to the forest

Looking high in the trees

Feeling fresh kisses in the breeze

Wandered past red flowers

and beautiful words

You wandered back to the familiar path

From curiosity to destruction

To hope and despair

To love and hatred

You wandered to hell and back

You found your way home

You found love was there the whole time

You wandered back to your own heart

My dear,

Welcome Home. [1.13.2018]

My Only Agenda ♡

My Agenda

I’m after one thing

Your heart

I’m not one for money and cars

All the materialistic things

In this life

I’m in it for you

Your dreams

Your goals

Your pride

Your strength

Your fears

Your tears

Your smiles

Your everything

Your mental, physical, emotional

This is my agenda

To win your heart

To make love

To have love

To be in love

Not one for flings

Because I’m tired of wasting energy

On the non-lasting

I want the truth

I want the real

I want the life

And I want it with you

This is my agenda

You don’t have to worry

About wandering eyes

And a deceptive heart

Because if you want it

I’ll give it all to you

I’ll be all for you

This is my agenda

I just want your heart

-Lindsey K Payne [12.12.2009]

When All That’s Left Is A Smile

“It’s not enough to cry at times. Some times the pain is just too deep.”

Lindsey K Payne

Today I’m am reading through my poetry journals (I have nine by the way). Trying to figure out which pieces to use for my books. I have a few different ideas for my books. I have thought about different themed books or to do them chronologically. I know I won’t publish all of my poems. Not that I don’t like them all, just want the best ones for the world to see.

For those who have published poems before, what helped you decide on your content? Did you start off small or go all out for your first book?

Off to put some ideas together. I will leave you with a oldie…

And Death Becomes Her

And death becomes her

When all that’s left is a smile

Because it doesn’t matter

What happened or will happen

Death will always follow

And time will soon cease

But happiness still comes

From a place near her heart

That’s what keeps her smiling and laughing

Regardless if what death holds

Heaven,

Be it God’s or unknown,

Heaven is on the horizon

For a dream untold and that’s when

Death becomes her

When smiles are all tears

Happiness is all fears

And now there’s no reason to be, but she

And she will conquer and seek all dreams seen

All dreams heard

Even when death becomes her…me

Gratitude

“We fall down, but we get up.”

Donnie McClurklin

In this “next level” that I am in, I have been mostly focused on my inner self. I have “challenged” myself to do things daily to form better habits and to ensure that I am managing my stress, anxiety, and depression. Many of you know one or all three of those and it is not always a fun experience. Now all the things I am doing to help myself are not all new to me. I used to have a great morning routine (and evening routine), work out at the gym 4-5x a week, daily walks, eat healthy meals, get 7-8 hours of sleep, paint, journal, read, etc. I did all of this with 2-3 jobs consistently over the years. So what happened?

Life.

Do you ever feel emotional, physically, and mentally EXHAUSTED? Like no matter what you do, you just can’t get out of this?

The last 4.5 years has been a little rough. I was in a pedestrian accident and had knee surgery; my grandmother was put on hospice care; my brother died at the age of 33, only 7 months after being diagnosed with colon cancer; my family has been through so much pain and heartache, we can’t seem to heal from it. I have had more people I know die from cancer over the last year alone. My family drama never ceases to end and I always feel like I’m the one still trying to hold everyone together. Trying to keep peace and love in the air. If I’m silent about it, then I feel guilty.

With all of this and more going on, the hardest thing was losing my brother. That changed me forever. With that change, my anxiety became overwhelming. Everything triggers that loss. EVERYTHING. But in the spirit of my brother and the plea for my sanity, I had to make another change.

I had to remember (or find) my purpose again in life. I had to remember that death isn’t something we can escape and I am still here living and breathing (even if with more aches and pains). I AM LIVING. I HAVE LIFE. What would my brother or the others do if they still had their life? They certainly wouldn’t complain. They would be GRATEFUL for another chance. A chance that I already have.

Towards the fall of 2018, I began this new journey. I found a new therapist. (Side note: don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether you pay for it or you find a close friend or hell a stranger. Just do it.) I got back into a morning routine- this time with the help of Habit Nest’s “The Morning Sidekick Journal”. I journal daily with “Practice You: A Journal” by Elena Brower. I have started a NEW thing: Meditation (with guidance from the Calm app). I am on a 40-day streak! I am writing down 10 specific things I am grateful for daily. I am walking and exercising, eating healthy, sleeping BETTER. The list goes on. But with that motivation kicking back in. I also began this blog and let me tell you. This is not easy, but you have to WANT it. You have to be THANKFUL for your past experiences and you have to look forward to what is unknown. I am not an expert, I do not have it all together. I still breakdown (trying not to this moment), but I am so thankful for this time that I have given to myself. I am thankful that I do have a support system. I am thankful that I did acknowledge my feelings and that I acknowledged what my body needed. My motivation lies within me, but it is guided through my HEART. And honestly, that HEART is my brother. Whatever I do, I am doing it because he can’t and he is watching me so proud.

Whatever it is that you need, you find it and you never let it go. This is your life. You create your happiness and you create your sadness. Be thankful for your life and every second you have of it.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 🙂

I dedicate this post to my brother, James “JP” Payne II. 1982-2015. He is always by my side.