Sweet Dreams

I close my eyes

Wishing for change

For when they reopen

That the memory within me

Comes back to reality

I am here

You are here

Nothing in between to keep us apart

When I open my eyes

The memory of you still exists

And I think back to those times

We had

And I think back to those

Tears shed

I wasn’t supposed to lose you

I wasn’t supposed to say goodbye

I wasn’t supposed to grieve you

I close my eyes once more

Thinking if I just try harder

You will appear

That you will hear me

That you will see me

That you will feel me

But when I open my eyes

You still are not there

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

I guess I’ll go back to dreaming

For there, you visit

For there, you speak

For there, you are

And I see you never left

I just have to find you differently

When I close my eyes

To sweet dreams

3.5.2020

In memory, JP ❤

Heart Strings

My brother has been on my mind all day. I mean he’s there all the time anyways, but today it’s been constant. To be honest I cried in the car earlier today. Certainly will be while writing this. Just those moments when you miss someone so much and you just want to hear their voice and you are trying to remember their voice. I know I can’t forget him, that is impossible, but some days…ugh, it’s like how come I can’t hear him?? Grief is never easy and it’s never ending. And even on silly holidays like Valentine’s it makes you miss the important people in your life even more. Love is shared every day and if you are lucky to know real love ( family or romantic) it’s hard when you are missing it.

It dawned on me that there was a Valentine’s day years ago, like 14 years or something, when I couldn’t talk to my brother. Some things had happened and we hadn’t talked in a while. Well he called me on Valentine’s and I missed his call because I was in class (or probably the horrible cell phone service we had then). I freaked out because I just needed to talk to him. He eventually tried calling again and we talked briefly. You just never know how important those moments are and how they will affect you years to come. And honestly, that’s all I want right now is to talk to him. I want to hear him laugh and joke. Say something tremendously stupid so he could get me to laugh. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfectly mine. He’s probably looking at me now like “really, Lindsey…it’s okay, I’m here.” 🙂

If you are dealing with grief, I hope you have a great support system around you or feel comfortable to talk about it. I actually keep a lot in, but writing about it is healing for me and I believe it can be healing for others. We are all dealing with it and if you aren’t now, you certainly will at some point in your life. Just be kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge when it comes to, feel it fully, take a deep breathe and let it go. It is okay. You will be okay, for that I promise. One day at time.

To my brother, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you with everything I have. Until we see each other again, I’ll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Lindsey

33 Reasons To Love You

“If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a name I have never heard, I would still know you.”

Lang Leav

In no particular order…

  1. You are my heart beating
  2. Our silent closeness
  3. Your children who will live out your legacy
  4. Saturday morning cartoons in beanbag chairs
  5. Talks about the place we shared most, the place we call home to our most memories
  6. Your laughs that heal all
  7. Fast speed rides in the street
  8. Kite flights at the beach
  9. You allowing me to torture you with little sister things
  10. Your eyes that always seemed to be sad
  11. The times you fly near by with hawk wings
  12. Climbing trees in the park
  13. Celebrating life the best way we knew how
  14. Your smile- that smile you rarely showed that brighten all my days
  15. Those chubby cheeks
  16. Catching sand crabs at the beach
  17. Morning walks to the bus stop
  18. The dandelions you leave for me
  19. Reading at the library
  20. The love you have for me-tatted on your chest
  21. Car rides blasting music
  22. Watching you draw cars and graffiti art
  23. Writing letters back and forth to keep the time going
  24. Bike rides in the middle of nowhere
  25. Dancing with you on your birthday
  26. Walks through the unknown desert
  27. Your cheesy jokes and “Wasabi” hellos
  28. Reading your favorite, Calvin and Hobbes
  29. Crazy songs on my voicemail to make me smile
  30. Your protective heart
  31. Candid photos depicting our lives
  32. Your pride that you revealed
  33. Your tight bear hugs

All these things and more help me keep you alive in memory. 33 things for 33 years. 33 years too young.

I’m still holding your hand.

Today marks four years since your soul released to the wind…until we meet again. I love you always. Your little sister.

In Memory of James “JP” Payne II (1.12.82-3.29.15)

2012