“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”Maya Angelou
Every morning I listen to Calm’s Daily Calm (a wonderful app if you need anything for guided mindfulness practice or help to fall asleep- and more). Today’s theme was Self Trust.
I vividly remember conversations with people, specifically exes or people I was interested in, where I mentioned I don’t trust people but I also don’t trust myself. Looking back on that, I see that’s my own red flag. Something I saw in others as a red flag but didn’t always look at myself with that same lenses. Everyone has trust issues. EVERYONE- at least some point in their lives. But I think people have focused that distrust on others. They don’t trust people because what those people did to them. They don’t trust those people because what went down in their relationships- family, friends, lovers, etc. But has anyone really looked at themselves and asked, “Do I trust myself?”.
This thought immediately took me to the question, “Do I love myself?”. We tell ourselves we must love ourselves first in order to love others. Why don’t we tell ourselves to trust us first? If we can trust ourselves, we will make better choices, right?
I haven’t trusted myself in a long time (although I am definitely fixing that). Why don’t I trust myself? Simply because of the choices I’ve made. I read back at all my old poems and it was always about someone else. Always putting the blame on someone else. A few times on myself. I didn’t trust myself because I ignored my instinct to make better choices. I didn’t trust myself because I was so focused on other people, ensuring that they did me no wrong. Ensuring that they had something to prove to me. But I wasn’t making myself prove to self. I had all the high expectations for them and low expectations for me. I could do no wrong, I knew me. I thought I knew me. But that version of me took me to wrong places, wrong relationships. I chose to ignore signs from myself and signs from others. So I couldn’t trust others if I couldn’t trust myself not to break my own heart. I chose time and time again to stay in toxic relationships, non-committal relationships, narcissitic exes, and friends. Being lied to over and over by family, friends, and boyfriends. And the biggest culprit: ME. I lied to myself every waking moment thinking this time is different. I’m different, they are different, the situation changed, the environment changed, etc. Whatever excuses I made. I didn’t have trust or TRUTH in myself to just stop and move forward.
As I am on this journey to continuously find myself, love myself, respect myself, care for myself. I still was neglecting trust in myself. Sure I trust myself enough to know I had to put in action for my words. But truly acknowledging what I need to do? No. My self-trust has to be reevaluated and healed just as my self-love is. No one is perfect. We say that so many times, but people still believe in perfectionism. I am not perfect. I may say all of this today and tomorrow do something completely opposite. The difference is now, I am 100% aware that I have more work to do. That day two and day 13 may be hell to work through, but other days I will be fine and my journey towards self-trust will be worth it.
I hope that whatever point you are on in your journey to better yourself, that you find moments of clarity and that fuels you to do better. We can not give half of us when we are not full. Keep working on yourself and the life you desire will be given to you.
In peace, love and TRUST…