Still Need Work

You can’t tame every heart to love as you do.

You can’t tame every soul to feel as you do.

You can’t tame every body to give as you do.

Our expectations are not reality.

Our expectations are not the end all.

Our expectations are not promises.

We cannot ask someone to speak, if we are not ready to listen.

We cannot ask someone to give, if we are not ready to receive.

We cannot ask someone to know, if we are not ready to tell them.

Be kind to yourself, you are worthy.

Be kind to yourself, you are loved.

Be kind to yourself, you are seen.

I trusted you to not fall, but I allowed you to.

I trusted you to not project, but I allowed you to.

I trusted you to not mess up, but I allowed you to.

Every day is another day to look at yourself and recognize,

You still have time to grow.



I’m learning to be me

Such a strange concept

How do you learn to be yourself?

Aren’t you inherently yourself?

Have you not been yourself since birth?

We have been molded and prodded into who we are

We have learned that everything from our past has made us

We have learned that society will see you a certain way

Regardless of who you “claim” to be

So, yes

I am learning to be me

Hopefully, you are learning to be you

Your “authentic” true self

The one you cherish

The one who looks directly at you in the mirror

The one who knows all your innermost thoughts and desires

You and I

We are learning to become our truest self

In hopes that one day

It doesn’t matter who we are

It doesn’t matter who thinks they know us best

It doesn’t matter what society claims us as

We are just



Lichen, Hill Country Natural State Area

My Way

I haven’t come all this way to back down.

I haven’t been and seen the worse of life to let it capsize me into ruins.

I’m here for a reason.

I must live my purpose.

I’m not here to tell you, you are my reason to live.

Because I’m my OWN reason to live.

I grow because the Sun woke me up, the Earth fed me and the Water refreshed me.

You tried to keep me inside for darkness to reign.

So you could stunt my growth to stay on your level.

We are not on the same level.

I am not the woman you need me to be.

I am the woman I need to be.

So sorry for your loss, I was too busy remembering her light.

I am too busy remembering, I had me before I even had the thought of you.

And, unfortunately, you no longer have permission to access her.


Trust Your Journey

Say this with me…

Toxic cycles, patterns, relationships and habits are ending. I release anything that triggers me or brings me down. Negative energy is being cleared from my life. I will be rewarded for my positive energy. All of my endings will lead to new beginnings. I trust my journey. I inhale acceptance and exhale judgement. A new journey is starting. What has served its purpose is coming to an end. 11.5.2019

It took awhile, like all great journeys do. But all of that above is leaving and left. Sometimes it’s great when new things come your way to remind you that you do in fact deserve completeness with self. And understanding from others.

I hope whatever you are trying to leave behind, you make changes to do so. Don’t be afraid and to keep things to yourself. Take moments of self-reflection seriously. Say, do, and act accordingly.

Goodnight, Loves.


“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m trying to save you,
I’m saving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.

I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships.   I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving.  Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.

Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending.
Keep loving yourself.

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m learning to love you,
I’ve been loving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne


With the wind by my side

And the sun behind me

No place seems too far

Distance has no limit

Even with the odds against me

Remembering that I am love

Every step that I take

Remembering that I am light

I am…the Wanderer


Once a upon a time in Humboldt

Who Do You See?

Have you looked in the mirror today?

Did you like who was there?

Did they give you warm, fuzzy feelings

Or did you not recognize them?

Did you speak power to the being

Or did you break them down to shreds?

Did you say I love you

Or did you say I hate you?

What would it take to find happiness in the mirror?

What would it take to bring love to your eyes?

What would it take to bring prideful thoughts instead of lies?

Have you looked in the mirror today?

Did you like what you see?

If not, close your eyes and repeat after me

“I, (your name), am me.

I am love.

I am free.

I am worthy.

I am change.

I am hope.

I am more than the negative image I see.

I am the beautiful soul that breaks down darkness with light.

I am me.”

Open your eyes.

Now, who do you see?



I just had a moment

The urge to scream to be free

The urge to be simply just me

How can I still feel trapped in a sea of blue

Looking simply for you?

I just had a moment

Fear caving in

What is the point of this life

If you can not shine

Without fear of losing self?

Like how many cracks need to fill your heart

Before you literally fall apart?

I just had a moment

Love is not here to save the day

No matter how hard you pray

You can not find it

While hiding it

The walls you built

Keep so much dark in

So much for opening your soul

You want to be saved

And have no where to go

Home is here

Within you

I just had a moment

Of wishing for the wrong things with the right one

And the right things with the wrong one

How ever do you think this creates fun?

I just had a moment

Of going back in time

To claim what’s mine

And fighting until the death

To save mine

I am all that is left


I just had a moment

What bliss it must be

Just to be free


March Reflections

I have been becoming a little more clear on some things in my life lately. Why my motivation tends to go in an out, back and forth, so many times. In this exact moment, I have been trying to figure out what to say. Does it matter what I have to say? Who will read this? Will it reach someone who needs to hear it? Will it be drowned out by the “popular”? I am not looking for overnight praises, if my audience is just a small group of people, that is great. If that small group of people feel inspired to do anything from what I write or take photos of, I have completed my purpose.

With that being said, I am feeling a bit lost again. I feel the most “lost” when I’m drained- emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been off my routine a bit but back on it today. The last month has been physically draining on my body. I was sick for a few weeks ( still not feeling 100%) and then I injured myself last Monday. I say all of this because what was truly helping me was my walks. Being sick- with asthma flare ups- it’s hard to breathe, which means it’s hard to walk long distances. My injury involved my ankle and knees, which again takes away from my walks. I am not the type to stay still for too long, so this has just been a hard adjustment for me after I was doing such a great job. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am just annoyed with my body. But even with that annoyance, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am healing- no matter how slow it is. I am grateful for having “minor” issues. I am grateful for the time to “slow down” physically as I have been non-stop at work.

With all of that, my focus on my personal projects should be increased, right? Yet, it hasn’t been so. I have to seriously look into myself and my goals that I have set and see what I am truly doing for myself. I was recently “confronted” in a way in being asked, ‘what are your goals for your self?” I named quite a few, yet they weren’t satisfied with the answers. They were still external projects. “What are you doing for my self? Your inner self.” While I have been doing well on my self-care practices, hearing that made me reevaluate. I realized that I have not directly set goals in that area. I have not directly been motivated to heal internally and set clear and direct goals. Maybe with those goals, I can stay motivated with the external goals. Maybe with those goals I can let this feeling of being “lost” go. It’s amazing how much work we have to put into ourselves and we don’t. We put in work at work. And that has to change.

If this seems a little all of over the place….welcome to my brain. ๐Ÿ™‚ While the anxiety is slowing down, it is still there. But talking things out on here or my journal helps tremendously. So to whoever reads this, maybe you feel the same some days. Or maybe you recently moved on from this place. Or maybe you are like this woman is just…whatever. I appreciate you reading anyways. Today, I am just being reflective and patient towards myself. Goals are ever evolving.

Peace and Love,


In YOU, I Trust

โ€œWhen someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.โ€

Maya Angelou

Every morning I listen to Calm’s Daily Calm (a wonderful app if you need anything for guided mindfulness practice or help to fall asleep- and more). Today’s theme was Self Trust.

I vividly remember conversations with people, specifically exes or people I was interested in, where I mentioned I don’t trust people but I also don’t trust myself. Looking back on that, I see that’s my own red flag. Something I saw in others as a red flag but didn’t always look at myself with that same lenses. Everyone has trust issues. EVERYONE- at least some point in their lives. But I think people have focused that distrust on others. They don’t trust people because what those people did to them. They don’t trust those people because what went down in their relationships- family, friends, lovers, etc. But has anyone really looked at themselves and asked, “Do I trust myself?”.

This thought immediately took me to the question, “Do I love myself?”. We tell ourselves we must love ourselves first in order to love others. Why don’t we tell ourselves to trust us first? If we can trust ourselves, we will make better choices, right?

I haven’t trusted myself in a long time (although I am definitely fixing that). Why don’t I trust myself? Simply because of the choices I’ve made. I read back at all my old poems and it was always about someone else. Always putting the blame on someone else. A few times on myself. I didn’t trust myself because I ignored my instinct to make better choices. I didn’t trust myself because I was so focused on other people, ensuring that they did me no wrong. Ensuring that they had something to prove to me. But I wasn’t making myself prove to self. I had all the high expectations for them and low expectations for me. I could do no wrong, I knew me. I thought I knew me. But that version of me took me to wrong places, wrong relationships. I chose to ignore signs from myself and signs from others. So I couldn’t trust others if I couldn’t trust myself not to break my own heart. I chose time and time again to stay in toxic relationships, non-committal relationships, narcissitic exes, and friends. Being lied to over and over by family, friends, and boyfriends. And the biggest culprit: ME. I lied to myself every waking moment thinking this time is different. I’m different, they are different, the situation changed, the environment changed, etc. Whatever excuses I made. I didn’t have trust or TRUTH in myself to just stop and move forward.

As I am on this journey to continuously find myself, love myself, respect myself, care for myself. I still was neglecting trust in myself. Sure I trust myself enough to know I had to put in action for my words. But truly acknowledging what I need to do? No. My self-trust has to be reevaluated and healed just as my self-love is. No one is perfect. We say that so many times, but people still believe in perfectionism. I am not perfect. I may say all of this today and tomorrow do something completely opposite. The difference is now, I am 100% aware that I have more work to do. That day two and day 13 may be hell to work through, but other days I will be fine and my journey towards self-trust will be worth it.

I hope that whatever point you are on in your journey to better yourself, that you find moments of clarity and that fuels you to do better. We can not give half of us when we are not full. Keep working on yourself and the life you desire will be given to you.

In peace, love and TRUST…