Toxic cycles, patterns, relationships and habits are ending. I release anything that triggers me or brings me down. Negative energy is being cleared from my life. I will be rewarded for my positive energy. All of my endings will lead to new beginnings. I trust my journey. I inhale acceptance and exhale judgement. A new journey is starting. What has served its purpose is coming to an end. 11.5.2019
It took awhile, like all great journeys do. But all of that above is leaving and left. Sometimes it’s great when new things come your way to remind you that you do in fact deserve completeness with self. And understanding from others.
I hope whatever you are trying to leave behind, you make changes to do so. Don’t be afraid and to keep things to yourself. Take moments of self-reflection seriously. Say, do, and act accordingly.
“I see fragments of myself in you, While I’m trying to save you, I’m saving myself too.”
Lindsey K Payne
The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.
I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships. I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving. Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.
Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending. Keep loving yourself.
“I see fragments of myself in you, While I’m learning to love you, I’ve been loving myself too.”
I have been becoming a little more clear on some things in my life lately. Why my motivation tends to go in an out, back and forth, so many times. In this exact moment, I have been trying to figure out what to say. Does it matter what I have to say? Who will read this? Will it reach someone who needs to hear it? Will it be drowned out by the “popular”? I am not looking for overnight praises, if my audience is just a small group of people, that is great. If that small group of people feel inspired to do anything from what I write or take photos of, I have completed my purpose.
With that being said, I am feeling a bit lost again. I feel the most “lost” when I’m drained- emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been off my routine a bit but back on it today. The last month has been physically draining on my body. I was sick for a few weeks ( still not feeling 100%) and then I injured myself last Monday. I say all of this because what was truly helping me was my walks. Being sick- with asthma flare ups- it’s hard to breathe, which means it’s hard to walk long distances. My injury involved my ankle and knees, which again takes away from my walks. I am not the type to stay still for too long, so this has just been a hard adjustment for me after I was doing such a great job. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am just annoyed with my body. But even with that annoyance, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am healing- no matter how slow it is. I am grateful for having “minor” issues. I am grateful for the time to “slow down” physically as I have been non-stop at work.
With all of that, my focus on my personal projects should be increased, right? Yet, it hasn’t been so. I have to seriously look into myself and my goals that I have set and see what I am truly doing for myself. I was recently “confronted” in a way in being asked, ‘what are your goals for your self?” I named quite a few, yet they weren’t satisfied with the answers. They were still external projects. “What are you doing for my self? Your inner self.” While I have been doing well on my self-care practices, hearing that made me reevaluate. I realized that I have not directly set goals in that area. I have not directly been motivated to heal internally and set clear and direct goals. Maybe with those goals, I can stay motivated with the external goals. Maybe with those goals I can let this feeling of being “lost” go. It’s amazing how much work we have to put into ourselves and we don’t. We put in work at work. And that has to change.
If this seems a little all of over the place….welcome to my brain. 🙂 While the anxiety is slowing down, it is still there. But talking things out on here or my journal helps tremendously. So to whoever reads this, maybe you feel the same some days. Or maybe you recently moved on from this place. Or maybe you are like this woman is just…whatever. I appreciate you reading anyways. Today, I am just being reflective and patient towards myself. Goals are ever evolving.
“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
Every morning I listen to Calm’s Daily Calm (a wonderful app if you need anything for guided mindfulness practice or help to fall asleep- and more). Today’s theme was Self Trust.
I vividly remember conversations with people, specifically exes or people I was interested in, where I mentioned I don’t trust people but I also don’t trust myself. Looking back on that, I see that’s my own red flag. Something I saw in others as a red flag but didn’t always look at myself with that same lenses. Everyone has trust issues. EVERYONE- at least some point in their lives. But I think people have focused that distrust on others. They don’t trust people because what those people did to them. They don’t trust those people because what went down in their relationships- family, friends, lovers, etc. But has anyone really looked at themselves and asked, “Do I trust myself?”.
This thought immediately took me to the question, “Do I love myself?”. We tell ourselves we must love ourselves first in order to love others. Why don’t we tell ourselves to trust us first? If we can trust ourselves, we will make better choices, right?
I haven’t trusted myself in a long time (although I am definitely fixing that). Why don’t I trust myself? Simply because of the choices I’ve made. I read back at all my old poems and it was always about someone else. Always putting the blame on someone else. A few times on myself. I didn’t trust myself because I ignored my instinct to make better choices. I didn’t trust myself because I was so focused on other people, ensuring that they did me no wrong. Ensuring that they had something to prove to me. But I wasn’t making myself prove to self. I had all the high expectations for them and low expectations for me. I could do no wrong, I knew me. I thought I knew me. But that version of me took me to wrong places, wrong relationships. I chose to ignore signs from myself and signs from others. So I couldn’t trust others if I couldn’t trust myself not to break my own heart. I chose time and time again to stay in toxic relationships, non-committal relationships, narcissitic exes, and friends. Being lied to over and over by family, friends, and boyfriends. And the biggest culprit: ME. I lied to myself every waking moment thinking this time is different. I’m different, they are different, the situation changed, the environment changed, etc. Whatever excuses I made. I didn’t have trust or TRUTH in myself to just stop and move forward.
As I am on this journey to continuously find myself, love myself, respect myself, care for myself. I still was neglecting trust in myself. Sure I trust myself enough to know I had to put in action for my words. But truly acknowledging what I need to do? No. My self-trust has to be reevaluated and healed just as my self-love is. No one is perfect. We say that so many times, but people still believe in perfectionism. I am not perfect. I may say all of this today and tomorrow do something completely opposite. The difference is now, I am 100% aware that I have more work to do. That day two and day 13 may be hell to work through, but other days I will be fine and my journey towards self-trust will be worth it.
I hope that whatever point you are on in your journey to better yourself, that you find moments of clarity and that fuels you to do better. We can not give half of us when we are not full. Keep working on yourself and the life you desire will be given to you.