Finding Your True Self

I’ve been there too many times to count.
But I’m so aware of it now, I know what I need to do before I get too caught up.
Before I get lost, again.
I’ve promised to never lose her again and I meant it.
She’s been sending me signs, that I wasn’t quite seeing.
But I heard her cries loud and clear.  There’s nothing wrong with a reset. There’s nothing wrong with a step back.
There’s nothing wrong with taking time to be with you.

To rekindle.
To recalibrate.
To reconnect.
To recreate.
To rebirth.

Do it as many times as you need to.

Go within.
Love is there.
Listen closely.
Hold on tight.
Love with all your might.

When you don’t feel like yourself.
Go within.

Your true self is always there.


Rebirth Self-Love

I gave my heart another chance
Took her by surprise
Gave her all I ever had to give
Took back all the lies
Took back all the shame
Took back all the doubts
Begged for forgiveness
And showed up not only with words
But with my actions
I promised to listen within
I promised to hold on
I promised our breaks would mend
I gave my heart another chance
She loved me every step of the way
She loved me for all that I was
She loved me for all I was never meant to be
I gave my heart another chance
She held me and said don’t worry
She told me I will wipe your tears
She told me she forgave me
I am back home where I belong
I am home where my heart is
I am home with me
She’s the best love I could have ever asked for
She’s me


Are you ready to love yourself?

Signs of love at the river.

Love All the Parts of You

A little background

It took years and hard work to love all of me. Every single part. When I wrote this poem (2017), I was in a bad depressive episode. Few knew it, I was a high functioning depressive. I seriously remember wanting to escape from the world and I didn’t know how to get myself right. For the first time, I was also experiencing anxiety attacks. I was prescribed meds that I didn’t like. They helped with sleep, but I was not me. And I so desperately just wanted to be me. The real me who got lost along the way of a destructive and unnecessary “relationships” and near death experiences, all while still dealing with extreme grief.

But I made it out. I focused on small steps and eventually found my abandoned heart. I picked her up and nutured her back. It took three years to find true healing and love within myself. The journey still continues, but both sides of me are balanced and working together this time. We aren’t losing each other ever again.

I’m happy I chose me, every single day.

Choose you too. ♡

She Deserves Your Love

You love the happy and goofy

But, dear Lindsey

Don’t forget to love the insecure and depressed you

She deserves love too

She wants to enjoy life to the fullest

So work on both versions of you

The happy to stay happy

The sad to grow happy

Balance your love

Don’t forget her

That’s why she is still struggling

You are forgetting her smiles

You are forgetting her desires

She deserves to love and live too

Love all parts of you

Even at the hardest times

Because that’s when she needs the love the most


Your Sad Self

The one who deserves your love the most


Your Love

Your Love is not to be conditional

Your Love is not to be compromised

Your Love is not to be manipulated

Your Love is not to be taken for granted

Your Love is to be celebrated

Your Love is to be secured

Your Love is to be reciprocated

Your Love is to be loved

Love yourself enough to know this

Your Love is worthy of all you desire


Ex Lovers

To all my Ex Lovers,

I still love you

But I’m glad I chose myself

I got lost in your ways

Trying to hold on to you,

I was letting go of myself

I love you, yes

But keep your distance

I was not able to love us equally

And I can not give you what you want

I am focusing on me,


Again, because each time one of you come

I fall again with no one to pick me up

Again, because each time I see your face

I recall the pain of losing myself

Drowning in your so called “love”

I am not trying again

Though, if you made me change my mind

I’d pray this would be the last time

The last time, I give any more of my heart to you

Hoping you would have learned how to hold me gently

Hoping you would have learned how to love me as I once loved you

Hoping you would have learned how to see what effort brings

I still love you,

Because I don’t take those words lightly

And you are still in my heart

The pieces I’m still trying to heal

The pieces I’m still trying to love so hard

It erases the pain for eternity

Dear Ex Lovers,

Do you still wish things were different?

Do you still wish you saw me during the times you tried to make me different?

Do you still wish that you told me earlier of the feelings you were hiding from me?

I still love you,

I’ll always love the hearts I tried to mend

Trying to show you, you were worthy of real love

While you stomped on my heart

Trying to show you, I was everything you needed

While I neglected my own heart

I was a fool for you

I was intently hanging on to every word, every syllable

He said it, he will do it

He said it, he meant it

He said it, he will show me

He said it, he meant no harm

I was a fool to think my love would have changed you

Or maybe it did,

But you waited until it was gone

To see it

I still love you, yes

I still think you deserve the best, yes

I still wish for your happiness, yes

I’ve just learned, in all the hard ways

I love too much

I wish the love I gave you,

I gave myself

So now, it’s my turn

So now, I deserve

So now, I wish

So now, I give

All my love to me,

The one love my Ex Lovers didn’t know how to keep


My Way

I haven’t come all this way to back down.

I haven’t been and seen the worse of life to let it capsize me into ruins.

I’m here for a reason.

I must live my purpose.

I’m not here to tell you, you are my reason to live.

Because I’m my OWN reason to live.

I grow because the Sun woke me up, the Earth fed me and the Water refreshed me.

You tried to keep me inside for darkness to reign.

So you could stunt my growth to stay on your level.

We are not on the same level.

I am not the woman you need me to be.

I am the woman I need to be.

So sorry for your loss, I was too busy remembering her light.

I am too busy remembering, I had me before I even had the thought of you.

And, unfortunately, you no longer have permission to access her.



“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m trying to save you,
I’m saving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.

I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships.   I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving.  Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.

Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending.
Keep loving yourself.

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m learning to love you,
I’ve been loving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

Who Do You See?

Have you looked in the mirror today?

Did you like who was there?

Did they give you warm, fuzzy feelings

Or did you not recognize them?

Did you speak power to the being

Or did you break them down to shreds?

Did you say I love you

Or did you say I hate you?

What would it take to find happiness in the mirror?

What would it take to bring love to your eyes?

What would it take to bring prideful thoughts instead of lies?

Have you looked in the mirror today?

Did you like what you see?

If not, close your eyes and repeat after me

“I, (your name), am me.

I am love.

I am free.

I am worthy.

I am change.

I am hope.

I am more than the negative image I see.

I am the beautiful soul that breaks down darkness with light.

I am me.”

Open your eyes.

Now, who do you see?


Be Sure

To those looking for love

Be sure you are ready for love

Be sure you have done some work on self

Be sure you don’t take your insecurities out on others

Be sure you are ready for everything that comes with knowing someone new

Be sure you are enough for you

Be sure you are ready to be a supporter of your love

Be sure you are ready fight for love

Be sure you are constantly working on bettering yourself

Be sure you love whole heartly

Be sure you communicate effectively

Be sure you play no games

Be sure you are ready for all the good and bad

And more importantly, be ready to look in the mirror and love yourself.


Letters to Myself

So I mentioned previously in my post from December, Love Me, that I was writing love letters to myself. This has truly been an amazing exercise- scratch that- habit, that I have created for myself. Finding love within yourself seems to be the hardest thing we can do and it’s absolutely ridiculous. How do we have such an outrageous amount of hate or disdain towards ourselves? From nitpicking our choices of what we wear, who we chose to love, what career we have, “how could I be so stupid?”moments, and so many things. We have not been taught to love yourselves enough. Self-love or self-care should not be a “trend” but a requirement of life. Grown adults learning to let go of the “fantasy love” and learning to gain love of self. This should be the norm.

I decided to share my love letter from tonight. Do yourself a favor…write to yourself. You will appreciate it, especially on those hard days. 🙂

Dear Lindsey,

Thank you for being you. Thank you always being willing to give your space healing. Thank you for trusting in yourself and providing yourself love through and through.

I am amazed at the woman you are becoming day by day. I admire you to the fullest. You are the dream I didn’t know I needed. I promise you, I will continue to do what I can, each and every day, for you.

You will prosper in peace, love and respect. You will bring the world so much love and joy. You will change the world by the presence you provide around them.

You are the version of love you have been waiting for.

I love you with all my heart. I breathe in your soul. I bask in your light.

Love Always,