Content With Life

I’m content with life

Not happy

Not sad

Simply in the middle

As I continue to grow

Many people may not understand

How it is that I’m able to stand

And simply put, I’m content

I stand, yet I could still break

If given that opportunity

But most importantly

Even if I fall

I have the strength to get up

And continue to stand

I’m content with my life

Not happy

Not sad

Because things in my life

Still bring me down

But my determination

Is what keeps my two feet on the ground

My pride is what keeps me from

Buckling down

I’m content

Missing love

Longing love

Missing companionship

Longing companionship

But I’m content

Because those will

Come when most needed

And when I’m most prepared

Until then

I’m content

I will continue to be content

Because that’s what keeps me alive

That’s what keeps me joyful

That’s what keeps me sane

Being content

Without lover’s lane

10.5.2007

I Want To Be Free…

Like Water

Trying to find the right direction

Something that makes me

feel good

No longer satisfied with

being content

My heart wants to soar

My mind wants to flow

This world just isn’t enough anymore

I want to feel free

Like flowing water

Makes me wonder

How does it know

which way to go?

Which bend to make?

Which path to take?

It has its rough spots, calm areas

It’s slow and fast times

And no matter what

It just goes

Goes on like nothing ever tried to stop it

I want to be like the water

So peaceful and serene

Yet letting everyone know its voice

I want to be like the water

To keep going and going and going

Letting nature take it’s course

It does not wait

It’ll be around

Whenever those are waiting to be found

I love the water

I love everything about it

It’s time to just keep going

If I’m on the right path

I’ll know one day

and if not

There’s no trouble switching directions

Nothing can stop me

I’m like the water.

[4.19.2009]

Canyon Lake, Texas

Gratitude

“We fall down, but we get up.”

Donnie McClurklin

In this “next level” that I am in, I have been mostly focused on my inner self. I have “challenged” myself to do things daily to form better habits and to ensure that I am managing my stress, anxiety, and depression. Many of you know one or all three of those and it is not always a fun experience. Now all the things I am doing to help myself are not all new to me. I used to have a great morning routine (and evening routine), work out at the gym 4-5x a week, daily walks, eat healthy meals, get 7-8 hours of sleep, paint, journal, read, etc. I did all of this with 2-3 jobs consistently over the years. So what happened?

Life.

Do you ever feel emotional, physically, and mentally EXHAUSTED? Like no matter what you do, you just can’t get out of this?

The last 4.5 years has been a little rough. I was in a pedestrian accident and had knee surgery; my grandmother was put on hospice care; my brother died at the age of 33, only 7 months after being diagnosed with colon cancer; my family has been through so much pain and heartache, we can’t seem to heal from it. I have had more people I know die from cancer over the last year alone. My family drama never ceases to end and I always feel like I’m the one still trying to hold everyone together. Trying to keep peace and love in the air. If I’m silent about it, then I feel guilty.

With all of this and more going on, the hardest thing was losing my brother. That changed me forever. With that change, my anxiety became overwhelming. Everything triggers that loss. EVERYTHING. But in the spirit of my brother and the plea for my sanity, I had to make another change.

I had to remember (or find) my purpose again in life. I had to remember that death isn’t something we can escape and I am still here living and breathing (even if with more aches and pains). I AM LIVING. I HAVE LIFE. What would my brother or the others do if they still had their life? They certainly wouldn’t complain. They would be GRATEFUL for another chance. A chance that I already have.

Towards the fall of 2018, I began this new journey. I found a new therapist. (Side note: don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether you pay for it or you find a close friend or hell a stranger. Just do it.) I got back into a morning routine- this time with the help of Habit Nest’s “The Morning Sidekick Journal”. I journal daily with “Practice You: A Journal” by Elena Brower. I have started a NEW thing: Meditation (with guidance from the Calm app). I am on a 40-day streak! I am writing down 10 specific things I am grateful for daily. I am walking and exercising, eating healthy, sleeping BETTER. The list goes on. But with that motivation kicking back in. I also began this blog and let me tell you. This is not easy, but you have to WANT it. You have to be THANKFUL for your past experiences and you have to look forward to what is unknown. I am not an expert, I do not have it all together. I still breakdown (trying not to this moment), but I am so thankful for this time that I have given to myself. I am thankful that I do have a support system. I am thankful that I did acknowledge my feelings and that I acknowledged what my body needed. My motivation lies within me, but it is guided through my HEART. And honestly, that HEART is my brother. Whatever I do, I am doing it because he can’t and he is watching me so proud.

Whatever it is that you need, you find it and you never let it go. This is your life. You create your happiness and you create your sadness. Be thankful for your life and every second you have of it.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 🙂

I dedicate this post to my brother, James “JP” Payne II. 1982-2015. He is always by my side.

In the city of Jazz…

I’m going home today, my home is just around the pier, and I won’t say goodbye…New Orleans is my name.

Teena Marie, Resilient

I’ve been on vacation in New Orleans the last few days. While it’s been enjoyable and relaxing, my time to really think on things has been off. My morning routine has changed and productivity of course has been difficult in some ways. I have enjoyed my walks through the city, even visited Armstrong Park and Congo Square today. Looking for some inspiration to write today.

To be in a city so full of history and culture, it’s hard to see everything and put everything into full perspective. There is so much to learn about. I think it’s amazing how music drives this city. Never seen anything like it. I look forward to coming back one day and exploring more.

Hoping the vibes I feel from New Orleans stay with me and can inspire me to write more. All I’ve had is Teena Marie’s “Resilient” song stuck in my head. The beautiful song she created after Hurricane Katrina.

I hope to create something tomorrow, and will post. Just needed to get this out for now. Still finding the structure I want to do for this blog.

Tonight, I pose the question: What inspires you to create?

I hope you all have a great night and thanks for reading.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 😁