We could have been in love by now,
But egos and differences got in the way.
We could have planned
Our future by now,
But fear and doubts got in the way.
We could have everything by now,
But we are too stubborn,
We are too much for each other.
Love couldn’t step in, let alone stay.
Trust walked out months ago.
Respect talked itself dead.
We could have been a lot of things,
But it just wasn’t our thing.
1.18.2018
Hello, it’s me again.
I didn’t think you’d mind,I didn’t think you’d forget me so fast.
Is my time gone from the hour glass?
Hey, it’s me again.
Remember how I used to hold your hand?
Remember the long kisses that would
make you lose your fight to stand?
Remember the long nights of talking?
Hearing your voice slowly fade,
as you tried to fight sleeping.
Yo, it’s me again.
Did you forget me?
I thought I meant the world to you?
I know I left, but I thought you knew,
I’d be back for you.
I tried to be cool,
Not front on missing you.
Didn’t you miss me?
You must be a fool.
What’s up, it’s me again.
You remember that girl still?
Nah, she wasn’t for me.
I told you, I just need you.
Remember our first date?
I told you I’d marry you.
You know I was serious.
I didn’t think you’d move on.
Seriously, just c’mon.
Sorry, it’s me again.
I know I did you wrong.
But you were always the one.
But you were different.
But you were supposed to wait.
I’m sorry, its so late.
I’m sorry, can we try again?
I’m sorry….
Hello?
*click*
Hello?
*delete*
Hello?
*block*
[3.19.2019]
Blow kisses my way
Hope they land perfectly
Falling upon the tears
That shed
And creating peace
Where sorrow lives
Blow kisses my way
Hope they land perfectly
Falling upon my lips
That were formed for you
To melt our hearts into one
Blow kisses my way
Hope they land perfectly
Falling upon my forehead
To ease the anxiety
To allow my body to sleep at night
Blow kisses my way
Place kisses on me
Kiss me and all my worries away
1.6.2018
I’ve spent too much time over the years
Trying to prove my worth
To men, to boys
Who claimed that I was The One
I am The One
The One constantly losing
Because these men, these boys
Don’t know how to love me
I am The One
The One constantly fighting myself
To prove I can wait
For them to come back
When they are ready
I am The One
The One constantly questioning my
definition of who I am
Because I’ve let them manipulate me
Into thinking I need them for validation
I am The One
The One constantly loving
And giving more of me than I will ever
receive of them
Because that’s what unconditional love is
But they love with conditions
Conditions I can no longer meet
I am The One
This is true
The One they will forever compare others to
I am The One
The One respecting myself and leaving
you
9.17.2019
I’m sitting here watching a
Blue Jay hunt for branches
In order to built their nest
He picks random branches
Hoping it can be what they need
Some don’t give in
While others gladly accept
Yet sometimes the Blue Jay
Just leaves the picked branch
Not using it for their nest
And I wonder why?
Why does it allow it to fall,
Yet doesn’t take it for their home?
I wonder why, if the branch
Is willing to go
Why does the Blue Jay
Leave it to be broken?
Why am I that Blue Jay?
And why are you that branch?
Why can’t I use you?
And why did you have to fall?
Is it because you’re not what I’m looking for?
And at the same time
I don’t know what it is
That I am looking for
So I should be happy with
What I have…and that’s you
I need you in my home
I need your strength and support
I need your care
So why am I that Blue Jay
And you are that branch?
[04.06.2005]
ex·pec·ta·tion:
1. A strong belief that something will happen or be the case.
2. A belief that someone will or should achieve something.
Oxford Dictionary
We often have expectations for all things in life… whether it’s our expectation of self or with others in mind. We all have set standards for things. Work, friendships, relationships, projects, errands, etc. It’s natural. We have all learned at some point to adjust our expectations…but is that a good thing or bad? What happens when we do not meet our expectations? Are these the same as our needs? If we can not meet our own expectations how do we hold others accountable? Do we treat them differently?
I thought I should lower my expectations
but what purpose would that serve?
I deserve everything and more
I deserve the fight
I deserve the right
I deserve the truth
So my expectations stay the same,
Dare they even rise
Are you in or are you out?
[2.18.2019]
Trying to stay on a schedule for this blog…few days late (oops). But that is okay because I am here right now. Figured in these last few moments before slumber I could post a poem for the thousands of you out there (okay like 11 of you ha!-by the way, thank you for your follows and support!).
This poem is from 2016. Just raw feelings coming out after a recently surfaced love from the past. When the words you thought you wanted to hear just don’t make the cut.
And I Saw Her
And I saw her,
I saw her staring back at me
wondering “Why?”
Why would I continue to ignore?
Why would I continue to pretend?
Why would I continue to be the girl he thinks he could mend?
And I saw her,
I saw her look back at me.
The one that got away.
The one who loved unconditionally.
The one who cried more water than oceans have seen blue.
And I saw her,
I saw her wishes,
her dreams, her goals,
her never ending thoughts,
her hopes, her regrets,
her secrets.
And I saw her,
I saw her see the man he could be
versus the man he is now.
See the lies, the hurt, the guilt
versus the love, the respect, the pride he’s built.
And I saw her,
try to explain how she felt inside
but be realistic in her pride,
remain neutral
as love poured into her ears
and graced her heart.
And I saw her,
empty tears, empty fears, empty heartache
and empty mistrust.
And I saw her,
build those walls
all the while creating secret passages,
so that when he found them, he knew
how to find her heart.
And I saw her,
I saw her say,
“He’s always been the one, the one that got away”
“He’s always been the one, the one you had kids names picked out for”
The one,
who had you instantly at first sight.
The one,
who you had to have kiss you at night.
The one,
who always made you laugh.
And I saw her,
and she saw me.
Both wondering how could this be.
That after all this time,
after all that hurt,
He’s still got a hold on us.
He’s still our first.
He’s still the one you’d take home,
not matter his quirks.
He’s still the one we dream about.
And I saw her,
and she saw me.
We saw that love came back.
Love came back to rewrite us.
Love came back to fight for us.
Love came back to show the 19-year-old me
and the 30-year-old me
to believe.
To believe once more,
that we deserve love.
And I saw her,
and she saw me.
And we both laughed and hugged each other,
hoping that love would never break us apart again.
The love that doesn’t deserve us,
to return again.
-Lindsey K Payne, 2016
Peace and Love,
Lindsey 🙂
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