Love, A Wanderer

I found myself in your laugh
I found myself in your smile
I found myself in your eye’s reflection
I found myself in your heart
I found myself in your soul
I found myself in your dreams
And yet, I still wander
Looking for my new place to call
Home
Looking for my heart as it continues to roam
Looking for my love as I walk pass my own reflection
Looking for my confidence to show
Looking for my reason and season to turn into lifetime
I found myself in you
But I’m still looking for myself in me, too

4.15.2020

Web of Lies

You tried to trap me under your web of lies,
Not knowing I’d turn everything
You spun into a beautiful escape,
You tried your best to keep me
Under your spell,
Never understanding I knew your
ways of manipulation,
I am not the one you thought you could play,
I am not the one who you claimed to love,
I am the one who got away,
I am the one who took your web of lies,
And brought them to the light
To show everyone your true colors,
You thought I was an easy catch,
I just turned into your worse nightmare.
Come on and light the flame,
I’ll be ready to wash you out.

2.19.2020

Wanderer

With the wind by my side

And the sun behind me

No place seems too far

Distance has no limit

Even with the odds against me

Remembering that I am love

Every step that I take

Remembering that I am light

I am…the Wanderer

2.12.2020

Once a upon a time in Humboldt

I Am The One

I’ve spent too much time over the years

Trying to prove my worth

To men, to boys

Who claimed that I was The One

I am The One

The One constantly losing

Because these men, these boys

Don’t know how to love me

I am The One

The One constantly fighting myself

To prove I can wait

For them to come back

When they are ready

I am The One

The One constantly questioning my

definition of who I am

Because I’ve let them manipulate me

Into thinking I need them for validation

I am The One

The One constantly loving

And giving more of me than I will ever

receive of them

Because that’s what unconditional love is

But they love with conditions

Conditions I can no longer meet

I am The One

This is true

The One they will forever compare others to

I am The One

The One respecting myself and leaving

you

9.17.2019

Moment

I just had a moment

The urge to scream to be free

The urge to be simply just me

How can I still feel trapped in a sea of blue

Looking simply for you?

I just had a moment

Fear caving in

What is the point of this life

If you can not shine

Without fear of losing self?

Like how many cracks need to fill your heart

Before you literally fall apart?

I just had a moment

Love is not here to save the day

No matter how hard you pray

You can not find it

While hiding it

The walls you built

Keep so much dark in

So much for opening your soul

You want to be saved

And have no where to go

Home is here

Within you

I just had a moment

Of wishing for the wrong things with the right one

And the right things with the wrong one

How ever do you think this creates fun?

I just had a moment

Of going back in time

To claim what’s mine

And fighting until the death

To save mine

I am all that is left

Me

I just had a moment

What bliss it must be

Just to be free

9.10.2019

Withering Away

Withering daisy and I

I, I looking towards the sun

Yet, only receiving thunderstorms

Withering daisy and I

I, I looking for that love to quench

My thirst

Yet, only receiving waters run dry

Withering daisy and I

I, I looking for some support and comfort

Yet, only receiving empty hands and stares

Withering daisy and I

Red and bright

Tall and strong

Yet, day by day

Withering away

Daisy and I

Withering away looking for

That home for love

Looking for thay love to stay strong

Withering daisy and I

Hoping not to be forgotten

[1.8.2008]

Change Your Mind

“If you view the world through the same pattern for too long, your brain keeps it even if it’s not working for you.”

Shawn Achor, Calm Masterclass: Discovering Happiness

This journey to change my mindset has been a long one. In recent years, it has become better. There are still days of negativity and anxious thoughts, but day by day, I am learning to control those thoughts. Learning to clear my mind of that negativity and to move forward with focus and determination. To accept what is real versus what I have created in my mind. REALITY versus FANTASY. Anxious thoughts are just visions we create away from the truth. Why our brains do this, why we allow ourselves to do this, I don’t know. And everyone is different. We just have to continue to work hard on changing our stories about ourselves and what we view in our heads. Take your time and keep moving forward.

Clear Mind

Regardless of what you are feeling

you must have a clear mind

A clear mind

allows for new beginnings

A clear mind

allows for more positivity

A clear mind

allows for a refreshed soul

allows for a free heart

allows for no pain

A clear mind

Think only for a clear mind

for a clean side

Refresh everything

and things will be so fine

So good

So happy

Set a clear mind

Regardless of what you are feeling

[6.8.2009]

Redirection to Healing

Young Lindsey was a “wise, old soul”

Things she spoke of, still surprise me

Things I thought I just felt

She already had the words

She already experienced

And it reminds me that life is still a constant circle

A circle I thought I broke

A circle I thought I could mend

But there are those feelings again

You can’t heal

You can’t blame them

You saw the signs, clear as day

Thought the preview was going to be different than the show

Return to your self

You can heal

Start from ground zero

and build yourself so high

Forgive yourself for the repeated mistakes

Thank yourself for lessons learned

Believe that you can trust in love again

See your own signs and redirect yourself

until you are on the right path

Remember what Young Lindsey said

She’s right there, she never left you

[2.18.2019]

To Forgive All, To Regret Nothing…A Heart’s Desire.

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Henry David Thoreau

Heart Wants Love

I’ve continued to ask this question,

“What do I want?”

It seems like such a broad question

with so many answers,

But I feel conflicted with them all

and I try to go with my heart.

My heart’s content means so much to me,

As it’s what keeps me alive,

beating in and out.

And so I ask my heart,

“Dear heart of mine,

What do you want?”

And my heart answers,

“To be completely healed from all previous pains,

To be loved like nothing else,

To be happy with the smallest, simplest

things in the world,

To have a man look at me with so much passion

it makes me skip a beat and sing,

To love hard and slow, great loves should

not be rushed,

To love with all of me

and hold full confidence in self,

To be content even if

it’s just I beating,

To forgive all, to regret nothing,

To live and breathe each day,

To have strength and wisdom

beyond my many years,

To love, to love, to love…”

And my heart continues to sing

Though it still feels pain,

Though it still chases a love so far away,

Though it’s strength seems to be dwindling,

So many wants in this world,

And my little heart of mine

just wants what it truly needs,

And therefore,

My lovely heart will continue to fight,

to fight in what it believes in and what it wants…

Mind, body, soul…my heart loves.

[2/14/2010]

Do You See Me?

Trying to stay on a schedule for this blog…few days late (oops). But that is okay because I am here right now. Figured in these last few moments before slumber I could post a poem for the thousands of you out there (okay like 11 of you ha!-by the way, thank you for your follows and support!).

This poem is from 2016. Just raw feelings coming out after a recently surfaced love from the past. When the words you thought you wanted to hear just don’t make the cut.

And I Saw Her

And I saw her,

I saw her staring back at me

wondering “Why?”

Why would I continue to ignore?

Why would I continue to pretend?

Why would I continue to be the girl he thinks he could mend?

And I saw her,

I saw her look back at me.

The one that got away.

The one who loved unconditionally.

The one who cried more water than oceans have seen blue.

And I saw her,

I saw her wishes,

her dreams, her goals,

her never ending thoughts,

her hopes, her regrets,

her secrets.

And I saw her,

I saw her see the man he could be

versus the man he is now.

See the lies, the hurt, the guilt

versus the love, the respect, the pride he’s built.

And I saw her,

try to explain how she felt inside

but be realistic in her pride,

remain neutral

as love poured into her ears

and graced her heart.

And I saw her,

empty tears, empty fears, empty heartache

and empty mistrust.

And I saw her,

build those walls

all the while creating secret passages,

so that when he found them, he knew

how to find her heart.

And I saw her,

I saw her say,

“He’s always been the one, the one that got away”

“He’s always been the one, the one you had kids names picked out for”

The one,

who had you instantly at first sight.

The one,

who you had to have kiss you at night.

The one,

who always made you laugh.

And I saw her,

and she saw me.

Both wondering how could this be.

That after all this time,

after all that hurt,

He’s still got a hold on us.

He’s still our first.

He’s still the one you’d take home,

not matter his quirks.

He’s still the one we dream about.

And I saw her,

and she saw me.

We saw that love came back.

Love came back to rewrite us.

Love came back to fight for us.

Love came back to show the 19-year-old me

and the 30-year-old me

to believe.

To believe once more,

that we deserve love.

And I saw her,

and she saw me.

And we both laughed and hugged each other,

hoping that love would never break us apart again.

The love that doesn’t deserve us,

to return again.

-Lindsey K Payne, 2016

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 🙂