Tag: Motivation

Time and Will

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“Keep going, and don’t worry about your speed. You’re making progress even if it doesn’t seem like it. Forward is forward, no matter how slow.”

Lori Deschene

I’ve spent the last month rededicating time to this blog. Hoping it would motivate me back into my book process. It’s been a struggle. I can write daily, but sometimes it was just because I “had” to. I had to follow through with my commitment to myself. The inspiration to write and share was not happening every day though. I’m trying to find a balance between the many work things that I do with keeping time and space for my personal passions. All of this with a looming feeling inside.

We can take two steps forward and six steps back sometimes, but we just have to keep moving towards our goals. Knowing that things will happen when they are meant to in their own time and will. Some days my spirit will move me to non-stop creativity and other days, its rest time. I will honor whatever comes.

I hope those of you who actually read my blog, have been enjoying my words (and photos). I appreciate all your support. This isn’t the end.

Until next time…

In gratitude,

Lindsey

My Way

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I haven’t come all this way to back down.

I haven’t been and seen the worse of life to let it capsize me into ruins.

I’m here for a reason.

I must live my purpose.

I’m not here to tell you, you are my reason to live.

Because I’m my OWN reason to live.

I grow because the Sun woke me up, the Earth fed me and the Water refreshed me.

You tried to keep me inside for darkness to reign.

So you could stunt my growth to stay on your level.

We are not on the same level.

I am not the woman you need me to be.

I am the woman I need to be.

So sorry for your loss, I was too busy remembering her light.

I am too busy remembering, I had me before I even had the thought of you.

And, unfortunately, you no longer have permission to access her.

2.24.2020

March Reflections

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I have been becoming a little more clear on some things in my life lately. Why my motivation tends to go in an out, back and forth, so many times. In this exact moment, I have been trying to figure out what to say. Does it matter what I have to say? Who will read this? Will it reach someone who needs to hear it? Will it be drowned out by the “popular”? I am not looking for overnight praises, if my audience is just a small group of people, that is great. If that small group of people feel inspired to do anything from what I write or take photos of, I have completed my purpose.

With that being said, I am feeling a bit lost again. I feel the most “lost” when I’m drained- emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been off my routine a bit but back on it today. The last month has been physically draining on my body. I was sick for a few weeks ( still not feeling 100%) and then I injured myself last Monday. I say all of this because what was truly helping me was my walks. Being sick- with asthma flare ups- it’s hard to breathe, which means it’s hard to walk long distances. My injury involved my ankle and knees, which again takes away from my walks. I am not the type to stay still for too long, so this has just been a hard adjustment for me after I was doing such a great job. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am just annoyed with my body. But even with that annoyance, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am healing- no matter how slow it is. I am grateful for having “minor” issues. I am grateful for the time to “slow down” physically as I have been non-stop at work.

With all of that, my focus on my personal projects should be increased, right? Yet, it hasn’t been so. I have to seriously look into myself and my goals that I have set and see what I am truly doing for myself. I was recently “confronted” in a way in being asked, ‘what are your goals for your self?” I named quite a few, yet they weren’t satisfied with the answers. They were still external projects. “What are you doing for my self? Your inner self.” While I have been doing well on my self-care practices, hearing that made me reevaluate. I realized that I have not directly set goals in that area. I have not directly been motivated to heal internally and set clear and direct goals. Maybe with those goals, I can stay motivated with the external goals. Maybe with those goals I can let this feeling of being “lost” go. It’s amazing how much work we have to put into ourselves and we don’t. We put in work at work. And that has to change.

If this seems a little all of over the place….welcome to my brain. 🙂 While the anxiety is slowing down, it is still there. But talking things out on here or my journal helps tremendously. So to whoever reads this, maybe you feel the same some days. Or maybe you recently moved on from this place. Or maybe you are like this woman is just…whatever. I appreciate you reading anyways. Today, I am just being reflective and patient towards myself. Goals are ever evolving.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey

Gratitude

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“We fall down, but we get up.”

Donnie McClurklin

In this “next level” that I am in, I have been mostly focused on my inner self. I have “challenged” myself to do things daily to form better habits and to ensure that I am managing my stress, anxiety, and depression. Many of you know one or all three of those and it is not always a fun experience. Now all the things I am doing to help myself are not all new to me. I used to have a great morning routine (and evening routine), work out at the gym 4-5x a week, daily walks, eat healthy meals, get 7-8 hours of sleep, paint, journal, read, etc. I did all of this with 2-3 jobs consistently over the years. So what happened?

Life.

Do you ever feel emotional, physically, and mentally EXHAUSTED? Like no matter what you do, you just can’t get out of this?

The last 4.5 years has been a little rough. I was in a pedestrian accident and had knee surgery; my grandmother was put on hospice care; my brother died at the age of 33, only 7 months after being diagnosed with colon cancer; my family has been through so much pain and heartache, we can’t seem to heal from it. I have had more people I know die from cancer over the last year alone. My family drama never ceases to end and I always feel like I’m the one still trying to hold everyone together. Trying to keep peace and love in the air. If I’m silent about it, then I feel guilty.

With all of this and more going on, the hardest thing was losing my brother. That changed me forever. With that change, my anxiety became overwhelming. Everything triggers that loss. EVERYTHING. But in the spirit of my brother and the plea for my sanity, I had to make another change.

I had to remember (or find) my purpose again in life. I had to remember that death isn’t something we can escape and I am still here living and breathing (even if with more aches and pains). I AM LIVING. I HAVE LIFE. What would my brother or the others do if they still had their life? They certainly wouldn’t complain. They would be GRATEFUL for another chance. A chance that I already have.

Towards the fall of 2018, I began this new journey. I found a new therapist. (Side note: don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether you pay for it or you find a close friend or hell a stranger. Just do it.) I got back into a morning routine- this time with the help of Habit Nest’s “The Morning Sidekick Journal”. I journal daily with “Practice You: A Journal” by Elena Brower. I have started a NEW thing: Meditation (with guidance from the Calm app). I am on a 40-day streak! I am writing down 10 specific things I am grateful for daily. I am walking and exercising, eating healthy, sleeping BETTER. The list goes on. But with that motivation kicking back in. I also began this blog and let me tell you. This is not easy, but you have to WANT it. You have to be THANKFUL for your past experiences and you have to look forward to what is unknown. I am not an expert, I do not have it all together. I still breakdown (trying not to this moment), but I am so thankful for this time that I have given to myself. I am thankful that I do have a support system. I am thankful that I did acknowledge my feelings and that I acknowledged what my body needed. My motivation lies within me, but it is guided through my HEART. And honestly, that HEART is my brother. Whatever I do, I am doing it because he can’t and he is watching me so proud.

Whatever it is that you need, you find it and you never let it go. This is your life. You create your happiness and you create your sadness. Be thankful for your life and every second you have of it.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 🙂

I dedicate this post to my brother, James “JP” Payne II. 1982-2015. He is always by my side.

In the city of Jazz…

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I’m going home today, my home is just around the pier, and I won’t say goodbye…New Orleans is my name.

Teena Marie, Resilient

I’ve been on vacation in New Orleans the last few days. While it’s been enjoyable and relaxing, my time to really think on things has been off. My morning routine has changed and productivity of course has been difficult in some ways. I have enjoyed my walks through the city, even visited Armstrong Park and Congo Square today. Looking for some inspiration to write today.

To be in a city so full of history and culture, it’s hard to see everything and put everything into full perspective. There is so much to learn about. I think it’s amazing how music drives this city. Never seen anything like it. I look forward to coming back one day and exploring more.

Hoping the vibes I feel from New Orleans stay with me and can inspire me to write more. All I’ve had is Teena Marie’s “Resilient” song stuck in my head. The beautiful song she created after Hurricane Katrina.

I hope to create something tomorrow, and will post. Just needed to get this out for now. Still finding the structure I want to do for this blog.

Tonight, I pose the question: What inspires you to create?

I hope you all have a great night and thanks for reading.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 😁