Dear Soul: An Apology

Piece by piece

I gave and I gave

To the point I had nothing else to give

What good is a soul if you can’t feel it?

I wanted nothing more than to save you

Nothing more than to love you

Nothing more than to defend you

Nothing more than to provide you

All the things you needed

I began to fail, as I gave and gave

But to the wrong soul(s)

I neglected you to make them love me

I neglected you to make them feel better

No more, Dear Soul

I love you more than anyone who walks towards my door

Piece by piece

I’m taking back

I’m taking back

All the love I gave

To replenish my soul I took for granted

So I can be whole again

Dear Soul [me],

I’m sorry I was blinded by dreams

And words spoken by strangers

Instead of trusting you and loving you

To give me all I needed

Dear Soul,

Do you forgive me?

Love, me.

[1.18.2019]

I Chose You

Dear Heart,

I know you are in pain

feeling voids

even when you try so hard

to fill them.

Dear Heart,

please calm down

your love is not for fairy tales

your heart will not have crowns.

Dear Heart,

I love you

I’m doing my best

please settle down

and enjoy the rest.

Dear Heart,

we have healing to do

please don’t be mad

I chose you.

[3.14.2019]

Redirection to Healing

Young Lindsey was a “wise, old soul”

Things she spoke of, still surprise me

Things I thought I just felt

She already had the words

She already experienced

And it reminds me that life is still a constant circle

A circle I thought I broke

A circle I thought I could mend

But there are those feelings again

You can’t heal

You can’t blame them

You saw the signs, clear as day

Thought the preview was going to be different than the show

Return to your self

You can heal

Start from ground zero

and build yourself so high

Forgive yourself for the repeated mistakes

Thank yourself for lessons learned

Believe that you can trust in love again

See your own signs and redirect yourself

until you are on the right path

Remember what Young Lindsey said

She’s right there, she never left you

[2.18.2019]

To Forgive All, To Regret Nothing…A Heart’s Desire.

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Henry David Thoreau

Heart Wants Love

I’ve continued to ask this question,

“What do I want?”

It seems like such a broad question

with so many answers,

But I feel conflicted with them all

and I try to go with my heart.

My heart’s content means so much to me,

As it’s what keeps me alive,

beating in and out.

And so I ask my heart,

“Dear heart of mine,

What do you want?”

And my heart answers,

“To be completely healed from all previous pains,

To be loved like nothing else,

To be happy with the smallest, simplest

things in the world,

To have a man look at me with so much passion

it makes me skip a beat and sing,

To love hard and slow, great loves should

not be rushed,

To love with all of me

and hold full confidence in self,

To be content even if

it’s just I beating,

To forgive all, to regret nothing,

To live and breathe each day,

To have strength and wisdom

beyond my many years,

To love, to love, to love…”

And my heart continues to sing

Though it still feels pain,

Though it still chases a love so far away,

Though it’s strength seems to be dwindling,

So many wants in this world,

And my little heart of mine

just wants what it truly needs,

And therefore,

My lovely heart will continue to fight,

to fight in what it believes in and what it wants…

Mind, body, soul…my heart loves.

[2/14/2010]

My Only Agenda ♡

My Agenda

I’m after one thing

Your heart

I’m not one for money and cars

All the materialistic things

In this life

I’m in it for you

Your dreams

Your goals

Your pride

Your strength

Your fears

Your tears

Your smiles

Your everything

Your mental, physical, emotional

This is my agenda

To win your heart

To make love

To have love

To be in love

Not one for flings

Because I’m tired of wasting energy

On the non-lasting

I want the truth

I want the real

I want the life

And I want it with you

This is my agenda

You don’t have to worry

About wandering eyes

And a deceptive heart

Because if you want it

I’ll give it all to you

I’ll be all for you

This is my agenda

I just want your heart

-Lindsey K Payne [12.12.2009]