It took years and hard work to love all of me. Every single part. When I wrote this poem (2017), I was in a bad depressive episode. Few knew it, I was a high functioning depressive. I seriously remember wanting to escape from the world and I didn’t know how to get myself right. For the first time, I was also experiencing anxiety attacks. I was prescribed meds that I didn’t like. They helped with sleep, but I was not me. And I so desperately just wanted to be me. The real me who got lost along the way of a destructive and unnecessary “relationships” and near death experiences, all while still dealing with extreme grief.
But I made it out. I focused on small steps and eventually found my abandoned heart. I picked her up and nutured her back. It took three years to find true healing and love within myself. The journey still continues, but both sides of me are balanced and working together this time. We aren’t losing each other ever again.
I’m happy I chose me, every single day.
Choose you too. ♡
She Deserves Your Love
You love the happy and goofy
But, dear Lindsey
Don’t forget to love the insecure and depressed you
It’s been a long, yet amazing week. I went to a meditation retreat for the last few days and it was just the experience I needed to start the new year. While the focus of the retreat was on meditation and learning to be our higher selves, we experienced an amazing time surrounded by nature. You know I was happy!
The retreat was settled in the Lajitas Golf Resort in Lajitas, Texas. We were nestled between Big Bend National Park and the US/Mexico Border at the Rio Grande. Y’all…the landscape alone was enough to be immersed in. I saw some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets, not to mention it was pitch black at night! It was just an amazing spirit in the air. I will make that 7.5 hours drive again for those views alone.
Hike 4: Santa Elena Canyon, Big Bend National Park
On the second day of being in Lajitas, we traveled mid-morning into Big Bend National Park. A few quick facts about Big Bend. IT’S HUGE! Big Bend is 1,252 mi² and 801,163 acres! It borders the Rio Grande for 196 miles. Before we completed the drive to Santa Elena Canyon, we stopped at Sotol Vista off the Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive. From there you can see several points of interest, including the canyon creating a wide-open space in the middle of the backdrop. Santa Elena Canyon is split in half, with the north side in the US (Texas) side and the south side in Mexico (Chihuahua) side. While it is not tall in comparison to the peaks in the area, it sits at 1,500ft. The trail itself is short, going about a mile in, for two miles round trip. It’s great for all hikers and gives a bit of a challenge in the beginning climb to the trail. But nothing you can’t do!
It was fun to hear people call out into the canyon, hearing the sound travel throughout. We stopped for a bit eat lunch and take photos before turning back. On the way back, we saw a pack of javelinas heading towards the riverbank, before they realized several humans were nearby, and turned around back into the shrubbery. While this was a very short hike for me, it was worth it. To see something so grand formed in nature and recognizing the strength that water holds. Truly a moment in time, I will never forget.
Hike 5: Mesa de Anguila Trail, Big Bend National Park
On the third day of the retreat, we had some downtime, so what better to do than find a trail close by! There were a few trails nearby, some walking distance and some a brief drive up or down the road. We decided to take on the walking distance one. With no map available, we followed the directions one of the resort’s porters suggested earlier. This ended up being the Mesa de Anguila Trail. Fun fact about this trail, it leads to the same range that Santa Elena Canyon cuts through several miles down. Due to time, we didn’t trek the actual mountain but reached its base and turned around. I found this trail map after the fact, but it appears the trail is about 8 miles to Santa Elena itself. We were able to complete 3.4 miles to and from the resort. I would love to venture into this trail the next time I visit.
Overall, though both hikes were short, I love that I was able to have this experience. Big Bend is a magical place and I look forward to another trip in the future. I will probably try to be there for about 5 days. The park does offer suggestions on what trails/ranges to visit depending on the time of your stay. So if this is on your list, be sure to check out the suggestions and plan accordingly!
I was thankful for this landscape as well, as it was reminiscent of my childhood home in the High Desert in Southern California. It even has creosote bushes. If you have never smelled those in the air, you are missing out! Desert life isn’t always loved by many people, but it has its own defined beauty and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
“I see fragments of myself in you, While I’m trying to save you, I’m saving myself too.”
Lindsey K Payne
The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.
I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships. I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving. Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.
Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending. Keep loving yourself.
“I see fragments of myself in you, While I’m learning to love you, I’ve been loving myself too.”
The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle. Being sick can definitely knock you out in so many ways. I am finally starting to feel more like myself and am so happy that today, a day I have off, is a SUNNY day. This weather puts me in a great mood. I seriously need to live in a place that is sunny all the time (any suggestions?).
Anywho, ( yes, I love to say anywho and I don’t care what anyone thinks lol) I was going to focus on grief and forgiveness today. It seemed fitting as I went to a friend’s father’s homegoing this morning. It’s not uncommon, but I just feel like more and more people surrounding me are losing people in their lives. It is life, of course. We live, we die…maybe we come back and do it all again. I don’t know. Every time someone passes, someone is born. We still have to celebrate life.
We never truly think someone will just be gone one day. We take for granted every second we spend with someone. We are so in love with life, we just can’t expect it to end, but as sure as I am writing these words it will. Many times we never get to say goodbye. Many of us live in anger then regret those feelings because we didn’t share those words we always meant to. Everyone wants to heal. Think about how many people are on their death beds and want to apologize or see someone for that last time. They want to mend themselves as well as the others before they leave. Similar to “don’t go to bed angry”. That does a toll on your life.
I am supposed to be writing forgiveness letters to people ( particularly a few men in my life) that I am still hurting from. One, in particular, is my brother, who unfortunately is no longer on this earth. While I have written to my brother what seems like a million times and have thought to forgive him, I also wonder if I have forgiven myself in regards to our relationship. That pain runs so deep and it is affecting me to this day- in ways I haven’t even thought about. So, my therapist suggested a letter. For him, maybe I will write it and read it to him the next time I visit his resting site. The others, I’m sure when I am ready I will send it or read it to them too. One day. Each day is a step to healing.
I don’t want to leave this world in pain. I want to be at peace, knowing I have made peace (or tried to) with everyone I have personally hurt and forgiving those who have hurt me. We all deserve peace while we are here, not just in death. Maybe your peace is no longer dealing with toxic people in your life. Letting the negative energy that drains you go. Forgive and forget, forgive and let go. Whatever it is… I hope you find peace in any grief.
Have any of you written letters to loved ones who have hurt you? Letters to yourself even? Have you experienced healing from it? What other modes of healing do you practice?
Peace and Love to you all. Don’t forget to tell someone important how you feel.
As I was doing my Daily Calm (on Calm App) meditation this morning, they of course focused on Love. But today was a reminder about self-love. No matter what your relationship status is, self-love is still the greatest love of all.
This reminded me that as many times as I have written love poems, a good amount of them are actually love poems to myself. So today, I chose one to share.
Happy Valentine’s Day to each and every one of your hearts. I hope you find your way back home…