Love All the Parts of You

A little background

It took years and hard work to love all of me. Every single part. When I wrote this poem (2017), I was in a bad depressive episode. Few knew it, I was a high functioning depressive. I seriously remember wanting to escape from the world and I didn’t know how to get myself right. For the first time, I was also experiencing anxiety attacks. I was prescribed meds that I didn’t like. They helped with sleep, but I was not me. And I so desperately just wanted to be me. The real me who got lost along the way of a destructive and unnecessary “relationships” and near death experiences, all while still dealing with extreme grief.

But I made it out. I focused on small steps and eventually found my abandoned heart. I picked her up and nutured her back. It took three years to find true healing and love within myself. The journey still continues, but both sides of me are balanced and working together this time. We aren’t losing each other ever again.

I’m happy I chose me, every single day.

Choose you too. ♡

She Deserves Your Love

You love the happy and goofy

But, dear Lindsey

Don’t forget to love the insecure and depressed you

She deserves love too

She wants to enjoy life to the fullest

So work on both versions of you

The happy to stay happy

The sad to grow happy

Balance your love

Don’t forget her

That’s why she is still struggling

You are forgetting her smiles

You are forgetting her desires

She deserves to love and live too

Love all parts of you

Even at the hardest times

Because that’s when she needs the love the most

Sincerely,

Your Sad Self

The one who deserves your love the most

[10.25.2017]

http://www.Rebirthselflove.com

NaturaLu Excursions: The 52 Hike Challenge 2021: Hike 4 and 5

It’s been a long, yet amazing week. I went to a meditation retreat for the last few days and it was just the experience I needed to start the new year. While the focus of the retreat was on meditation and learning to be our higher selves, we experienced an amazing time surrounded by nature. You know I was happy!

The retreat was settled in the Lajitas Golf Resort in Lajitas, Texas. We were nestled between Big Bend National Park and the US/Mexico Border at the Rio Grande. Y’all…the landscape alone was enough to be immersed in. I saw some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets, not to mention it was pitch black at night! It was just an amazing spirit in the air. I will make that 7.5 hours drive again for those views alone.

Taken at Panther Junction Vistor Center, Big Bend National Park
Orion constellation in the middle. This area is also know for it’s “Oasis of darkness.”

Hike 4: Santa Elena Canyon, Big Bend National Park

On the second day of being in Lajitas, we traveled mid-morning into Big Bend National Park. A few quick facts about Big Bend. IT’S HUGE! Big Bend is 1,252 mi² and 801,163 acres! It borders the Rio Grande for 196 miles. Before we completed the drive to Santa Elena Canyon, we stopped at Sotol Vista off the Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive. From there you can see several points of interest, including the canyon creating a wide-open space in the middle of the backdrop. Santa Elena Canyon is split in half, with the north side in the US (Texas) side and the south side in Mexico (Chihuahua) side. While it is not tall in comparison to the peaks in the area, it sits at 1,500ft. The trail itself is short, going about a mile in, for two miles round trip. It’s great for all hikers and gives a bit of a challenge in the beginning climb to the trail. But nothing you can’t do!

Walking towards the trail. Santa Elena Canyon.
Looking at the Rio Grande and Mexico.
Southeast side of Santa Elena Canyon.

It was fun to hear people call out into the canyon, hearing the sound travel throughout. We stopped for a bit eat lunch and take photos before turning back. On the way back, we saw a pack of javelinas heading towards the riverbank, before they realized several humans were nearby, and turned around back into the shrubbery. While this was a very short hike for me, it was worth it. To see something so grand formed in nature and recognizing the strength that water holds. Truly a moment in time, I will never forget.

Inside the canyon, you can see the end of the trail in far right.

Hike 5: Mesa de Anguila Trail, Big Bend National Park

Entering the trailhead.

On the third day of the retreat, we had some downtime, so what better to do than find a trail close by! There were a few trails nearby, some walking distance and some a brief drive up or down the road. We decided to take on the walking distance one. With no map available, we followed the directions one of the resort’s porters suggested earlier. This ended up being the Mesa de Anguila Trail. Fun fact about this trail, it leads to the same range that Santa Elena Canyon cuts through several miles down. Due to time, we didn’t trek the actual mountain but reached its base and turned around. I found this trail map after the fact, but it appears the trail is about 8 miles to Santa Elena itself. We were able to complete 3.4 miles to and from the resort. I would love to venture into this trail the next time I visit.

Mesa de Anguila.
Mesa de Anguila behind me.

Overall, though both hikes were short, I love that I was able to have this experience. Big Bend is a magical place and I look forward to another trip in the future. I will probably try to be there for about 5 days. The park does offer suggestions on what trails/ranges to visit depending on the time of your stay. So if this is on your list, be sure to check out the suggestions and plan accordingly!

I was thankful for this landscape as well, as it was reminiscent of my childhood home in the High Desert in Southern California. It even has creosote bushes. If you have never smelled those in the air, you are missing out! Desert life isn’t always loved by many people, but it has its own defined beauty and it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Creosote Bush (Larrea tridentata)

Until the next adventure…

Lindsey

The amazing sunset on our last night there.
Lajitas Golf Resort

Fragments

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m trying to save you,
I’m saving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne


The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.

I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships.   I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving.  Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.

Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending.
Keep loving yourself.

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m learning to love you,
I’ve been loving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

Finding Peace With Grief

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle. Being sick can definitely knock you out in so many ways. I am finally starting to feel more like myself and am so happy that today, a day I have off, is a SUNNY day. This weather puts me in a great mood. I seriously need to live in a place that is sunny all the time (any suggestions?).

Anywho, ( yes, I love to say anywho and I don’t care what anyone thinks lol) I was going to focus on grief and forgiveness today. It seemed fitting as I went to a friend’s father’s homegoing this morning. It’s not uncommon, but I just feel like more and more people surrounding me are losing people in their lives. It is life, of course. We live, we die…maybe we come back and do it all again. I don’t know. Every time someone passes, someone is born. We still have to celebrate life.

We never truly think someone will just be gone one day. We take for granted every second we spend with someone. We are so in love with life, we just can’t expect it to end, but as sure as I am writing these words it will. Many times we never get to say goodbye. Many of us live in anger then regret those feelings because we didn’t share those words we always meant to. Everyone wants to heal. Think about how many people are on their death beds and want to apologize or see someone for that last time. They want to mend themselves as well as the others before they leave. Similar to “don’t go to bed angry”. That does a toll on your life.

I am supposed to be writing forgiveness letters to people ( particularly a few men in my life) that I am still hurting from. One, in particular, is my brother, who unfortunately is no longer on this earth. While I have written to my brother what seems like a million times and have thought to forgive him, I also wonder if I have forgiven myself in regards to our relationship. That pain runs so deep and it is affecting me to this day- in ways I haven’t even thought about. So, my therapist suggested a letter. For him, maybe I will write it and read it to him the next time I visit his resting site. The others, I’m sure when I am ready I will send it or read it to them too. One day. Each day is a step to healing.

I don’t want to leave this world in pain. I want to be at peace, knowing I have made peace (or tried to) with everyone I have personally hurt and forgiving those who have hurt me. We all deserve peace while we are here, not just in death. Maybe your peace is no longer dealing with toxic people in your life. Letting the negative energy that drains you go. Forgive and forget, forgive and let go. Whatever it is… I hope you find peace in any grief.

Have any of you written letters to loved ones who have hurt you? Letters to yourself even? Have you experienced healing from it? What other modes of healing do you practice?

Peace and Love to you all. Don’t forget to tell someone important how you feel.

Lindsey 🙂

Redirection to Healing

Young Lindsey was a “wise, old soul”

Things she spoke of, still surprise me

Things I thought I just felt

She already had the words

She already experienced

And it reminds me that life is still a constant circle

A circle I thought I broke

A circle I thought I could mend

But there are those feelings again

You can’t heal

You can’t blame them

You saw the signs, clear as day

Thought the preview was going to be different than the show

Return to your self

You can heal

Start from ground zero

and build yourself so high

Forgive yourself for the repeated mistakes

Thank yourself for lessons learned

Believe that you can trust in love again

See your own signs and redirect yourself

until you are on the right path

Remember what Young Lindsey said

She’s right there, she never left you

[2.18.2019]

Home Is Where The Heart Is

As I was doing my Daily Calm (on Calm App) meditation this morning, they of course focused on Love. But today was a reminder about self-love. No matter what your relationship status is, self-love is still the greatest love of all.

This reminded me that as many times as I have written love poems, a good amount of them are actually love poems to myself. So today, I chose one to share.

Happy Valentine’s Day to each and every one of your hearts. I hope you find your way back home…

Welcome Home

Wandered too far down a path

less traveled

Wandered to the depths to find love

That was all that mattered

Wandered to roundabouts

and cul-de-sacs

Circling round and round

Thinking you’d get somewhere

Where love was found

Wandered past highways

and broken fences

Through tall grasses and

thorned bushes

Wandered past security alarms

and biting dogs

All to find a love now stuck in bogs

Wandered to ships by the shore

Looking for a love to sail you away

But all you found

Was love destined to drown

Two hearts tied to one another

One thinking the anchor saved them

The other thinking the anchor sank them

Wandered past deserted homes

and run down cars

All whom belonged to the

love you seek

Wandered to the forest

Looking high in the trees

Feeling fresh kisses in the breeze

Wandered past red flowers

and beautiful words

You wandered back to the familiar path

From curiosity to destruction

To hope and despair

To love and hatred

You wandered to hell and back

You found your way home

You found love was there the whole time

You wandered back to your own heart

My dear,

Welcome Home. [1.13.2018]