Tag: dedication

Time and Will

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“Keep going, and don’t worry about your speed. You’re making progress even if it doesn’t seem like it. Forward is forward, no matter how slow.”

Lori Deschene

I’ve spent the last month rededicating time to this blog. Hoping it would motivate me back into my book process. It’s been a struggle. I can write daily, but sometimes it was just because I “had” to. I had to follow through with my commitment to myself. The inspiration to write and share was not happening every day though. I’m trying to find a balance between the many work things that I do with keeping time and space for my personal passions. All of this with a looming feeling inside.

We can take two steps forward and six steps back sometimes, but we just have to keep moving towards our goals. Knowing that things will happen when they are meant to in their own time and will. Some days my spirit will move me to non-stop creativity and other days, its rest time. I will honor whatever comes.

I hope those of you who actually read my blog, have been enjoying my words (and photos). I appreciate all your support. This isn’t the end.

Until next time…

In gratitude,

Lindsey

33 Reasons To Love You

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“If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a name I have never heard, I would still know you.”

Lang Leav

In no particular order…

  1. You are my heart beating
  2. Our silent closeness
  3. Your children who will live out your legacy
  4. Saturday morning cartoons in beanbag chairs
  5. Talks about the place we shared most, the place we call home to our most memories
  6. Your laughs that heal all
  7. Fast speed rides in the street
  8. Kite flights at the beach
  9. You allowing me to torture you with little sister things
  10. Your eyes that always seemed to be sad
  11. The times you fly near by with hawk wings
  12. Climbing trees in the park
  13. Celebrating life the best way we knew how
  14. Your smile- that smile you rarely showed that brighten all my days
  15. Those chubby cheeks
  16. Catching sand crabs at the beach
  17. Morning walks to the bus stop
  18. The dandelions you leave for me
  19. Reading at the library
  20. The love you have for me-tatted on your chest
  21. Car rides blasting music
  22. Watching you draw cars and graffiti art
  23. Writing letters back and forth to keep the time going
  24. Bike rides in the middle of nowhere
  25. Dancing with you on your birthday
  26. Walks through the unknown desert
  27. Your cheesy jokes and “Wasabi” hellos
  28. Reading your favorite, Calvin and Hobbes
  29. Crazy songs on my voicemail to make me smile
  30. Your protective heart
  31. Candid photos depicting our lives
  32. Your pride that you revealed
  33. Your tight bear hugs

All these things and more help me keep you alive in memory. 33 things for 33 years. 33 years too young.

I’m still holding your hand.

Today marks four years since your soul released to the wind…until we meet again. I love you always. Your little sister.

In Memory of James “JP” Payne II (1.12.82-3.29.15)

2012

Gratitude

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“We fall down, but we get up.”

Donnie McClurklin

In this “next level” that I am in, I have been mostly focused on my inner self. I have “challenged” myself to do things daily to form better habits and to ensure that I am managing my stress, anxiety, and depression. Many of you know one or all three of those and it is not always a fun experience. Now all the things I am doing to help myself are not all new to me. I used to have a great morning routine (and evening routine), work out at the gym 4-5x a week, daily walks, eat healthy meals, get 7-8 hours of sleep, paint, journal, read, etc. I did all of this with 2-3 jobs consistently over the years. So what happened?

Life.

Do you ever feel emotional, physically, and mentally EXHAUSTED? Like no matter what you do, you just can’t get out of this?

The last 4.5 years has been a little rough. I was in a pedestrian accident and had knee surgery; my grandmother was put on hospice care; my brother died at the age of 33, only 7 months after being diagnosed with colon cancer; my family has been through so much pain and heartache, we can’t seem to heal from it. I have had more people I know die from cancer over the last year alone. My family drama never ceases to end and I always feel like I’m the one still trying to hold everyone together. Trying to keep peace and love in the air. If I’m silent about it, then I feel guilty.

With all of this and more going on, the hardest thing was losing my brother. That changed me forever. With that change, my anxiety became overwhelming. Everything triggers that loss. EVERYTHING. But in the spirit of my brother and the plea for my sanity, I had to make another change.

I had to remember (or find) my purpose again in life. I had to remember that death isn’t something we can escape and I am still here living and breathing (even if with more aches and pains). I AM LIVING. I HAVE LIFE. What would my brother or the others do if they still had their life? They certainly wouldn’t complain. They would be GRATEFUL for another chance. A chance that I already have.

Towards the fall of 2018, I began this new journey. I found a new therapist. (Side note: don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether you pay for it or you find a close friend or hell a stranger. Just do it.) I got back into a morning routine- this time with the help of Habit Nest’s “The Morning Sidekick Journal”. I journal daily with “Practice You: A Journal” by Elena Brower. I have started a NEW thing: Meditation (with guidance from the Calm app). I am on a 40-day streak! I am writing down 10 specific things I am grateful for daily. I am walking and exercising, eating healthy, sleeping BETTER. The list goes on. But with that motivation kicking back in. I also began this blog and let me tell you. This is not easy, but you have to WANT it. You have to be THANKFUL for your past experiences and you have to look forward to what is unknown. I am not an expert, I do not have it all together. I still breakdown (trying not to this moment), but I am so thankful for this time that I have given to myself. I am thankful that I do have a support system. I am thankful that I did acknowledge my feelings and that I acknowledged what my body needed. My motivation lies within me, but it is guided through my HEART. And honestly, that HEART is my brother. Whatever I do, I am doing it because he can’t and he is watching me so proud.

Whatever it is that you need, you find it and you never let it go. This is your life. You create your happiness and you create your sadness. Be thankful for your life and every second you have of it.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey 🙂

I dedicate this post to my brother, James “JP” Payne II. 1982-2015. He is always by my side.