Home Is Where The Heart Is

“Find the love you seek by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in they place within you. That is your true home.”

Sri Ravi Skankar

It finally hit me today. I’ve know this phrase so well, quote it often, “Home is where the heart is.” But today, it resonated with me differently. I am home. I have put my “home” within other people to find. I thought my broken heart/home was to be filled with love from others and places. I am my home. I am my love. I am healing my own broken place.

These poems were of those previous thoughts.

Broken Home

He was like home

Loving, yet broken

Something I don’t like

But where I only felt safe

So to have him be

Is bittersweet

But just fine

Cause he’s not mine

He felt like home

But home is broken

And I don’t expect

Right from wrong

Sad but true

Home always makes me blue

I’ve moved away

From home

Many times before

Though one home

Will always be

There to stay

This home, his home

I have to leave again

But I can’t go back

My home will always

Be broken

Regardless of where it is

But I’ll always love

And miss home

It’s just time to be alone

[9.22.2006]

Home You Never Had

I want to be your foundation

Destroy those remnants of old walls

And build up from the ground

With love

Surround you with visions of clarity

This is your future home

Your safe place

Where you can be yourself

And loved for all the right reasons

Where you will be protected

From all seasons

I want to be the home you

Never had

To support

And lead you to happiness

The home we can create together

[10.26.2017]

33 Reasons To Love You

“If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a name I have never heard, I would still know you.”

Lang Leav

In no particular order…

  1. You are my heart beating
  2. Our silent closeness
  3. Your children who will live out your legacy
  4. Saturday morning cartoons in beanbag chairs
  5. Talks about the place we shared most, the place we call home to our most memories
  6. Your laughs that heal all
  7. Fast speed rides in the street
  8. Kite flights at the beach
  9. You allowing me to torture you with little sister things
  10. Your eyes that always seemed to be sad
  11. The times you fly near by with hawk wings
  12. Climbing trees in the park
  13. Celebrating life the best way we knew how
  14. Your smile- that smile you rarely showed that brighten all my days
  15. Those chubby cheeks
  16. Catching sand crabs at the beach
  17. Morning walks to the bus stop
  18. The dandelions you leave for me
  19. Reading at the library
  20. The love you have for me-tatted on your chest
  21. Car rides blasting music
  22. Watching you draw cars and graffiti art
  23. Writing letters back and forth to keep the time going
  24. Bike rides in the middle of nowhere
  25. Dancing with you on your birthday
  26. Walks through the unknown desert
  27. Your cheesy jokes and “Wasabi” hellos
  28. Reading your favorite, Calvin and Hobbes
  29. Crazy songs on my voicemail to make me smile
  30. Your protective heart
  31. Candid photos depicting our lives
  32. Your pride that you revealed
  33. Your tight bear hugs

All these things and more help me keep you alive in memory. 33 things for 33 years. 33 years too young.

I’m still holding your hand.

Today marks four years since your soul released to the wind…until we meet again. I love you always. Your little sister.

In Memory of James “JP” Payne II (1.12.82-3.29.15)

2012

Withering Away

Withering daisy and I

I, I looking towards the sun

Yet, only receiving thunderstorms

Withering daisy and I

I, I looking for that love to quench

My thirst

Yet, only receiving waters run dry

Withering daisy and I

I, I looking for some support and comfort

Yet, only receiving empty hands and stares

Withering daisy and I

Red and bright

Tall and strong

Yet, day by day

Withering away

Daisy and I

Withering away looking for

That home for love

Looking for thay love to stay strong

Withering daisy and I

Hoping not to be forgotten

[1.8.2008]

I Want To Be Free…

Like Water

Trying to find the right direction

Something that makes me

feel good

No longer satisfied with

being content

My heart wants to soar

My mind wants to flow

This world just isn’t enough anymore

I want to feel free

Like flowing water

Makes me wonder

How does it know

which way to go?

Which bend to make?

Which path to take?

It has its rough spots, calm areas

It’s slow and fast times

And no matter what

It just goes

Goes on like nothing ever tried to stop it

I want to be like the water

So peaceful and serene

Yet letting everyone know its voice

I want to be like the water

To keep going and going and going

Letting nature take it’s course

It does not wait

It’ll be around

Whenever those are waiting to be found

I love the water

I love everything about it

It’s time to just keep going

If I’m on the right path

I’ll know one day

and if not

There’s no trouble switching directions

Nothing can stop me

I’m like the water.

[4.19.2009]

Canyon Lake, Texas

Dear Soul: An Apology

Piece by piece

I gave and I gave

To the point I had nothing else to give

What good is a soul if you can’t feel it?

I wanted nothing more than to save you

Nothing more than to love you

Nothing more than to defend you

Nothing more than to provide you

All the things you needed

I began to fail, as I gave and gave

But to the wrong soul(s)

I neglected you to make them love me

I neglected you to make them feel better

No more, Dear Soul

I love you more than anyone who walks towards my door

Piece by piece

I’m taking back

I’m taking back

All the love I gave

To replenish my soul I took for granted

So I can be whole again

Dear Soul [me],

I’m sorry I was blinded by dreams

And words spoken by strangers

Instead of trusting you and loving you

To give me all I needed

Dear Soul,

Do you forgive me?

Love, me.

[1.18.2019]

I Chose You

Dear Heart,

I know you are in pain

feeling voids

even when you try so hard

to fill them.

Dear Heart,

please calm down

your love is not for fairy tales

your heart will not have crowns.

Dear Heart,

I love you

I’m doing my best

please settle down

and enjoy the rest.

Dear Heart,

we have healing to do

please don’t be mad

I chose you.

[3.14.2019]

March Reflections

I have been becoming a little more clear on some things in my life lately. Why my motivation tends to go in an out, back and forth, so many times. In this exact moment, I have been trying to figure out what to say. Does it matter what I have to say? Who will read this? Will it reach someone who needs to hear it? Will it be drowned out by the “popular”? I am not looking for overnight praises, if my audience is just a small group of people, that is great. If that small group of people feel inspired to do anything from what I write or take photos of, I have completed my purpose.

With that being said, I am feeling a bit lost again. I feel the most “lost” when I’m drained- emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been off my routine a bit but back on it today. The last month has been physically draining on my body. I was sick for a few weeks ( still not feeling 100%) and then I injured myself last Monday. I say all of this because what was truly helping me was my walks. Being sick- with asthma flare ups- it’s hard to breathe, which means it’s hard to walk long distances. My injury involved my ankle and knees, which again takes away from my walks. I am not the type to stay still for too long, so this has just been a hard adjustment for me after I was doing such a great job. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am just annoyed with my body. But even with that annoyance, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am healing- no matter how slow it is. I am grateful for having “minor” issues. I am grateful for the time to “slow down” physically as I have been non-stop at work.

With all of that, my focus on my personal projects should be increased, right? Yet, it hasn’t been so. I have to seriously look into myself and my goals that I have set and see what I am truly doing for myself. I was recently “confronted” in a way in being asked, ‘what are your goals for your self?” I named quite a few, yet they weren’t satisfied with the answers. They were still external projects. “What are you doing for my self? Your inner self.” While I have been doing well on my self-care practices, hearing that made me reevaluate. I realized that I have not directly set goals in that area. I have not directly been motivated to heal internally and set clear and direct goals. Maybe with those goals, I can stay motivated with the external goals. Maybe with those goals I can let this feeling of being “lost” go. It’s amazing how much work we have to put into ourselves and we don’t. We put in work at work. And that has to change.

If this seems a little all of over the place….welcome to my brain. 🙂 While the anxiety is slowing down, it is still there. But talking things out on here or my journal helps tremendously. So to whoever reads this, maybe you feel the same some days. Or maybe you recently moved on from this place. Or maybe you are like this woman is just…whatever. I appreciate you reading anyways. Today, I am just being reflective and patient towards myself. Goals are ever evolving.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey