Category: Thoughts

Fragments

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m trying to save you,
I’m saving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne


The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.

I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships.   I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving.  Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.

Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending.
Keep loving yourself.

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m learning to love you,
I’ve been loving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

Heart Strings

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My brother has been on my mind all day. I mean he’s there all the time anyways, but today it’s been constant. To be honest I cried in the car earlier today. Certainly will be while writing this. Just those moments when you miss someone so much and you just want to hear their voice and you are trying to remember their voice. I know I can’t forget him, that is impossible, but some days…ugh, it’s like how come I can’t hear him?? Grief is never easy and it’s never ending. And even on silly holidays like Valentine’s it makes you miss the important people in your life even more. Love is shared every day and if you are lucky to know real love ( family or romantic) it’s hard when you are missing it.

It dawned on me that there was a Valentine’s day years ago, like 14 years or something, when I couldn’t talk to my brother. Some things had happened and we hadn’t talked in a while. Well he called me on Valentine’s and I missed his call because I was in class (or probably the horrible cell phone service we had then). I freaked out because I just needed to talk to him. He eventually tried calling again and we talked briefly. You just never know how important those moments are and how they will affect you years to come. And honestly, that’s all I want right now is to talk to him. I want to hear him laugh and joke. Say something tremendously stupid so he could get me to laugh. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfectly mine. He’s probably looking at me now like “really, Lindsey…it’s okay, I’m here.” 🙂

If you are dealing with grief, I hope you have a great support system around you or feel comfortable to talk about it. I actually keep a lot in, but writing about it is healing for me and I believe it can be healing for others. We are all dealing with it and if you aren’t now, you certainly will at some point in your life. Just be kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge when it comes to, feel it fully, take a deep breathe and let it go. It is okay. You will be okay, for that I promise. One day at time.

To my brother, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you with everything I have. Until we see each other again, I’ll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Lindsey

Outlets

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I recall listening to a podcast recently where they mentioned even if you don’t have anything to say or write, to write that down. You did what you could and to move on. It struck me because there’s been so many times I actually wanted to write and nothing would come to the paper. In my mind, I thought, “oh, nothing must be wrong. Great, I’m good.” Majority of what I’ve written in the past was an outlet for me. Outlet for anger, sadness, depression, whatever. So if I had nothing to write, I equated that to being “good.” And now, I realize I think I just needed a different outlet. I was tired of writing the same things and reliving the same things. How was I progessing? How was I moving on? Was there anything to my writing that was actually going to make a difference?

There was months, sometimes a year or more, when I just didn’t write. And I definitely wasn’t good. I tried other things, art was always good. Nature walks were the best. Music filled my soul. Therapy helped tremendously. Meditation calmed me. But in the end, I still came back to writing. I think it’s important to be able to recognize what we need in our lives. What changes need to be made or what can we temporarily switch out, while giving ourselves a break. Whatever your outlet is for self-care, I hope you continue to do it. I hope it provides peace and stability for you. Don’t be afraid to try new things and don’t worry if you lose the joy in an old thing, it’ll come back to you.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey

Thankful Thursdays

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If you follow me on Instagram (@naturaluphoto) you may know that on Thursdays, I post with the #thankfulthursday hashtag. Today’s post was sweet and simple, but as the day progressed, I realized I like to elaborate on something dear to me: having a support system.

We all have those moments when we think that we can do everything on our own. We don’t need anyone’s input. Everything has been just find with so and so before anyone came around. But then sometimes, the Universe graces us with a person (or two, three…) who completely changes our outlook on the world and is able to push us where no one has before. These can be family members, friends, coworkers, mentors, significant others, even complete strangers.  Their words and actions play a significant part on our lives and just like that, a seed is planted. We desire change. We are now motivated to do better. We see that our previous ways, were not the best we could do. So on and so forth.

I hope that while reading this, you have thoughts of those people who entered your life and made an impact.  And in turn, I hope that you are that person to someone else. We can live in complete gratitude of one another and make the best of ourselves and the world around us.

Be grateful. Be loved. Be the reason someone keeps going today.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey

Letters to Myself

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So I mentioned previously in my post from December, Love Me, that I was writing love letters to myself. This has truly been an amazing exercise- scratch that- habit, that I have created for myself. Finding love within yourself seems to be the hardest thing we can do and it’s absolutely ridiculous. How do we have such an outrageous amount of hate or disdain towards ourselves? From nitpicking our choices of what we wear, who we chose to love, what career we have, “how could I be so stupid?”moments, and so many things. We have not been taught to love yourselves enough. Self-love or self-care should not be a “trend” but a requirement of life. Grown adults learning to let go of the “fantasy love” and learning to gain love of self. This should be the norm.

I decided to share my love letter from tonight. Do yourself a favor…write to yourself. You will appreciate it, especially on those hard days. 🙂

Dear Lindsey,

Thank you for being you. Thank you always being willing to give your space healing. Thank you for trusting in yourself and providing yourself love through and through.

I am amazed at the woman you are becoming day by day. I admire you to the fullest. You are the dream I didn’t know I needed. I promise you, I will continue to do what I can, each and every day, for you.

You will prosper in peace, love and respect. You will bring the world so much love and joy. You will change the world by the presence you provide around them.

You are the version of love you have been waiting for.

I love you with all my heart. I breathe in your soul. I bask in your light.

Love Always,

Lindsey

Hello, 2020

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Hello! It’s Lindsey! It’s been a while…again. I remember when I was posting every other day. Well, I’m going to get to that again, among a few other things. I am not upset that I did not complete some of the things I set out to do in 2019. In fact, I am proud of myself for starting the journey and realizing my point of stopping was actually needed. Going through my old journals and poems, was actually kind of hard for me. But now I can look at them and know that I am still growing and these were moments in my life that I needed to express. There is no need for me to be dragged, emotionally, back into those spaces. I just need to read, type and acknowledge the space I was in and know where I am currently in.

Reflection is a very important aspect of self growth. We all have those moments we just can’t believe how we allowed ourselves to be in bad situations, or plain, stupid situations. But I truly believe we are life long learners and sometimes, some of us, just have to relearn our mistakes again and again until we finally say “STOP.” I finally said that in December. I am 100% ready to keep it moving in growth and accepting my WORTH in 2020. That is an absolute.

My work in therapy has been going well and my own work outside of it has definitely been a whirlwind but good. I will be continuing my meditation practice, journaling and setting daily intentions or affirmations. I will be hiking every week and enjoying walks in between. Staying focused on my nature therapy:). Most importantly, listening to myself. Putting my words into actions and only keeping expectations towards myself. I will continue to take one day at time. Breathe when I get overwhelmed and take breaks when my body tells me to. I can’t enjoy this year if I am struggling inside. I speak peace within and around me. I will also be more careful about who I have around me and who I let in my space.

2019 was actually a good year, even with my ups and downs. Cries and laughs. It taught me a lot more than the previous and I am forever grateful for that. I applaud 2019. If you can not live in gratitude, you are not living life. I am excited for 2020. I am excited for my new adventures. I am excited to simply love all of me. I wish the same for those reading this.

Be happy. Be grateful. Be LOVE.

Peace and Love, Lindsey

Love Me

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I love too quickly. I love with expectations. I love with caution.

I haven’t been writing on here, but I have been writing. Every day in fact. A few months ago, I decided to take a journey on truly devoting time to myself. Redefining my self- love. It hasn’t been an easy journey. I have had days of being withdrawn. Days, weeks of struggling to get out of bed. Trying to fit into a love a don’t deserve. Forgiving people who I love. Forgiving people I don’t love. Forgiving people who I wish I never needed to forgive. Forgiving myself for choices and mistakes I have made. Forgiving myself for not putting myself first. Forgiving people who do not know what they do, but I understand the love I give, gives hope.

The love I give.

I live and breathe love. I can not be with out it. I have gained and lost love, but it is always present. In all the heartache I have experienced, I still believe in love. I believe love is where you seek it. I believe love is where you give it. I give love. No matter who denies it, no matter who releases it, no matter who fails to see it, no matter who dares to disrespect it. I give love.

Love is the only thing I know how to do.

I’m just relearning how to give it to myself. The one who deserves it the most. The one who knows how to reciprocate it in the way I need it. I love me. Get ready for the next journey.

Love,

Lindsey

Moment

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I just had a moment

The urge to scream to be free

The urge to be simply just me

How can I still feel trapped in a sea of blue

Looking simply for you?

I just had a moment

Fear caving in

What is the point of this life

If you can not shine

Without fear of losing self?

Like how many cracks need to fill your heart

Before you literally fall apart?

I just had a moment

Love is not here to save the day

No matter how hard you pray

You can not find it

While hiding it

The walls you built

Keep so much dark in

So much for opening your soul

You want to be saved

And have no where to go

Home is here

Within you

I just had a moment

Of wishing for the wrong things with the right one

And the right things with the wrong one

How ever do you think this creates fun?

I just had a moment

Of going back in time

To claim what’s mine

And fighting until the death

To save mine

I am all that is left

Me

I just had a moment

What bliss it must be

Just to be free

9.10.2019

Home Is Where The Heart Is

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“Find the love you seek by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in they place within you. That is your true home.”

Sri Ravi Skankar

It finally hit me today. I’ve know this phrase so well, quote it often, “Home is where the heart is.” But today, it resonated with me differently. I am home. I have put my “home” within other people to find. I thought my broken heart/home was to be filled with love from others and places. I am my home. I am my love. I am healing my own broken place.

These poems were of those previous thoughts.

Broken Home

He was like home

Loving, yet broken

Something I don’t like

But where I only felt safe

So to have him be

Is bittersweet

But just fine

Cause he’s not mine

He felt like home

But home is broken

And I don’t expect

Right from wrong

Sad but true

Home always makes me blue

I’ve moved away

From home

Many times before

Though one home

Will always be

There to stay

This home, his home

I have to leave again

But I can’t go back

My home will always

Be broken

Regardless of where it is

But I’ll always love

And miss home

It’s just time to be alone

[9.22.2006]

Home You Never Had

I want to be your foundation

Destroy those remnants of old walls

And build up from the ground

With love

Surround you with visions of clarity

This is your future home

Your safe place

Where you can be yourself

And loved for all the right reasons

Where you will be protected

From all seasons

I want to be the home you

Never had

To support

And lead you to happiness

The home we can create together

[10.26.2017]

33 Reasons To Love You

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“If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a name I have never heard, I would still know you.”

Lang Leav

In no particular order…

  1. You are my heart beating
  2. Our silent closeness
  3. Your children who will live out your legacy
  4. Saturday morning cartoons in beanbag chairs
  5. Talks about the place we shared most, the place we call home to our most memories
  6. Your laughs that heal all
  7. Fast speed rides in the street
  8. Kite flights at the beach
  9. You allowing me to torture you with little sister things
  10. Your eyes that always seemed to be sad
  11. The times you fly near by with hawk wings
  12. Climbing trees in the park
  13. Celebrating life the best way we knew how
  14. Your smile- that smile you rarely showed that brighten all my days
  15. Those chubby cheeks
  16. Catching sand crabs at the beach
  17. Morning walks to the bus stop
  18. The dandelions you leave for me
  19. Reading at the library
  20. The love you have for me-tatted on your chest
  21. Car rides blasting music
  22. Watching you draw cars and graffiti art
  23. Writing letters back and forth to keep the time going
  24. Bike rides in the middle of nowhere
  25. Dancing with you on your birthday
  26. Walks through the unknown desert
  27. Your cheesy jokes and “Wasabi” hellos
  28. Reading your favorite, Calvin and Hobbes
  29. Crazy songs on my voicemail to make me smile
  30. Your protective heart
  31. Candid photos depicting our lives
  32. Your pride that you revealed
  33. Your tight bear hugs

All these things and more help me keep you alive in memory. 33 things for 33 years. 33 years too young.

I’m still holding your hand.

Today marks four years since your soul released to the wind…until we meet again. I love you always. Your little sister.

In Memory of James “JP” Payne II (1.12.82-3.29.15)

2012