Still Need Work

You can’t tame every heart to love as you do.

You can’t tame every soul to feel as you do.

You can’t tame every body to give as you do.

Our expectations are not reality.

Our expectations are not the end all.

Our expectations are not promises.

We cannot ask someone to speak, if we are not ready to listen.

We cannot ask someone to give, if we are not ready to receive.

We cannot ask someone to know, if we are not ready to tell them.

Be kind to yourself, you are worthy.

Be kind to yourself, you are loved.

Be kind to yourself, you are seen.

I trusted you to not fall, but I allowed you to.

I trusted you to not project, but I allowed you to.

I trusted you to not mess up, but I allowed you to.

Every day is another day to look at yourself and recognize,

You still have time to grow.


4.29.2020

Time and Will

“Keep going, and don’t worry about your speed. You’re making progress even if it doesn’t seem like it. Forward is forward, no matter how slow.”

Lori Deschene

I’ve spent the last month rededicating time to this blog. Hoping it would motivate me back into my book process. It’s been a struggle. I can write daily, but sometimes it was just because I “had” to. I had to follow through with my commitment to myself. The inspiration to write and share was not happening every day though. I’m trying to find a balance between the many work things that I do with keeping time and space for my personal passions. All of this with a looming feeling inside.

We can take two steps forward and six steps back sometimes, but we just have to keep moving towards our goals. Knowing that things will happen when they are meant to in their own time and will. Some days my spirit will move me to non-stop creativity and other days, its rest time. I will honor whatever comes.

I hope those of you who actually read my blog, have been enjoying my words (and photos). I appreciate all your support. This isn’t the end.

Until next time…

In gratitude,

Lindsey

Being

I’m learning to be me

Such a strange concept

How do you learn to be yourself?

Aren’t you inherently yourself?

Have you not been yourself since birth?

We have been molded and prodded into who we are

We have learned that everything from our past has made us

We have learned that society will see you a certain way

Regardless of who you “claim” to be

So, yes

I am learning to be me

Hopefully, you are learning to be you

Your “authentic” true self

The one you cherish

The one who looks directly at you in the mirror

The one who knows all your innermost thoughts and desires

You and I

We are learning to become our truest self

In hopes that one day

It doesn’t matter who we are

It doesn’t matter who thinks they know us best

It doesn’t matter what society claims us as

We are just

Being

2.27.2020

Lichen, Hill Country Natural State Area

Hopeful Wishing

“Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.”

There’s been a few times in life that a few of my hopeful wishes came true. It always seems unreal, like someone is playing a game. It’s hard to trust it. It’s just “too good to be true.” You have no idea what to do with it, now that you have it. You begin to believe that you don’t deserve it. You begin to think that it’s all a mistake, a misunderstanding. No way is this for me.

But it’s for you. Believe it. Because the ongoing moments you spend second guessing, pushing and turning from it, comes the moment you start to destroy what you had. And everything will leave.

Trust that you are worthy. Trust that your wishes and dreams are truly yours to hold. You are ready for everything and more.

Lindsey

My Way

I haven’t come all this way to back down.

I haven’t been and seen the worse of life to let it capsize me into ruins.

I’m here for a reason.

I must live my purpose.

I’m not here to tell you, you are my reason to live.

Because I’m my OWN reason to live.

I grow because the Sun woke me up, the Earth fed me and the Water refreshed me.

You tried to keep me inside for darkness to reign.

So you could stunt my growth to stay on your level.

We are not on the same level.

I am not the woman you need me to be.

I am the woman I need to be.

So sorry for your loss, I was too busy remembering her light.

I am too busy remembering, I had me before I even had the thought of you.

And, unfortunately, you no longer have permission to access her.

2.24.2020

Live Your Life

Too busy out living life yesterday, didn’t make a post. And while, I have been making February a “post a day,” I’m not disappointed for missing yesterday. The thing about life is, you truly have to live it. And live it in more than just words daily. But to be in the moment. Cherish the moments. Cherish the people you are with and cherish the time you give yourself. I was busy yesterday! Amazing hiking adventure with one of my besties. Spent time with my mentee. Dinner and relaxing with new and old friends. I have nothing to complain about in that day.

So I’m just keeping it simple and sweet. Continue to be present in every day, with every person you are around. You never get the same memories again. You never know what time you have, so spend it carefully.

Until the next post…Peace and Love to you all.

Lindsey

Hiking Adventure 2.22.2020

Trust Your Journey

Say this with me…

Toxic cycles, patterns, relationships and habits are ending. I release anything that triggers me or brings me down. Negative energy is being cleared from my life. I will be rewarded for my positive energy. All of my endings will lead to new beginnings. I trust my journey. I inhale acceptance and exhale judgement. A new journey is starting. What has served its purpose is coming to an end. 11.5.2019

It took awhile, like all great journeys do. But all of that above is leaving and left. Sometimes it’s great when new things come your way to remind you that you do in fact deserve completeness with self. And understanding from others.

I hope whatever you are trying to leave behind, you make changes to do so. Don’t be afraid and to keep things to yourself. Take moments of self-reflection seriously. Say, do, and act accordingly.

Goodnight, Loves.

Fragments

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m trying to save you,
I’m saving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne


The things that I am finding. I wrote that back in 2011. The younger me was wise, but didn’t take the time to really grow. The today me has been begging for true growth and it’s finally happening. I love the journey I’ve been on though. I’ve had some true eye awakening moments and to be honest, I didn’t always like who was staring back at me in the mirror. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve given myself to create change.

I’m innately a “fixer” and “nurturer.” And while those are honorable things, they are not always the best when in relationships.   I am no longer looking to “fix” someone so I can feel better about myself. I am here to love myself and to love someone wholeheartedly for who they are…without the fixing or saving.  Learning to love, trust, take care and respect myself wholeheartedly so that I only recognize the love in others instead of the pain. Attract the good and leave the bad.

Always creating and saving space for healing. These things don’t happen overnight and they don’t have an ending.
Keep loving yourself.

“I see fragments of myself in you,
While I’m learning to love you,
I’ve been loving myself too.”

Lindsey K Payne

Heart Strings

My brother has been on my mind all day. I mean he’s there all the time anyways, but today it’s been constant. To be honest I cried in the car earlier today. Certainly will be while writing this. Just those moments when you miss someone so much and you just want to hear their voice and you are trying to remember their voice. I know I can’t forget him, that is impossible, but some days…ugh, it’s like how come I can’t hear him?? Grief is never easy and it’s never ending. And even on silly holidays like Valentine’s it makes you miss the important people in your life even more. Love is shared every day and if you are lucky to know real love ( family or romantic) it’s hard when you are missing it.

It dawned on me that there was a Valentine’s day years ago, like 14 years or something, when I couldn’t talk to my brother. Some things had happened and we hadn’t talked in a while. Well he called me on Valentine’s and I missed his call because I was in class (or probably the horrible cell phone service we had then). I freaked out because I just needed to talk to him. He eventually tried calling again and we talked briefly. You just never know how important those moments are and how they will affect you years to come. And honestly, that’s all I want right now is to talk to him. I want to hear him laugh and joke. Say something tremendously stupid so he could get me to laugh. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfectly mine. He’s probably looking at me now like “really, Lindsey…it’s okay, I’m here.” 🙂

If you are dealing with grief, I hope you have a great support system around you or feel comfortable to talk about it. I actually keep a lot in, but writing about it is healing for me and I believe it can be healing for others. We are all dealing with it and if you aren’t now, you certainly will at some point in your life. Just be kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge when it comes to, feel it fully, take a deep breathe and let it go. It is okay. You will be okay, for that I promise. One day at time.

To my brother, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you with everything I have. Until we see each other again, I’ll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Lindsey

Outlets

I recall listening to a podcast recently where they mentioned even if you don’t have anything to say or write, to write that down. You did what you could and to move on. It struck me because there’s been so many times I actually wanted to write and nothing would come to the paper. In my mind, I thought, “oh, nothing must be wrong. Great, I’m good.” Majority of what I’ve written in the past was an outlet for me. Outlet for anger, sadness, depression, whatever. So if I had nothing to write, I equated that to being “good.” And now, I realize I think I just needed a different outlet. I was tired of writing the same things and reliving the same things. How was I progessing? How was I moving on? Was there anything to my writing that was actually going to make a difference?

There was months, sometimes a year or more, when I just didn’t write. And I definitely wasn’t good. I tried other things, art was always good. Nature walks were the best. Music filled my soul. Therapy helped tremendously. Meditation calmed me. But in the end, I still came back to writing. I think it’s important to be able to recognize what we need in our lives. What changes need to be made or what can we temporarily switch out, while giving ourselves a break. Whatever your outlet is for self-care, I hope you continue to do it. I hope it provides peace and stability for you. Don’t be afraid to try new things and don’t worry if you lose the joy in an old thing, it’ll come back to you.

Peace and Love,

Lindsey