I have been becoming a little more clear on some things in my life lately. Why my motivation tends to go in an out, back and forth, so many times. In this exact moment, I have been trying to figure out what to say. Does it matter what I have to say? Who will read this? Will it reach someone who needs to hear it? Will it be drowned out by the “popular”? I am not looking for overnight praises, if my audience is just a small group of people, that is great. If that small group of people feel inspired to do anything from what I write or take photos of, I have completed my purpose.
With that being said, I am feeling a bit lost again. I feel the most “lost” when I’m drained- emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been off my routine a bit but back on it today. The last month has been physically draining on my body. I was sick for a few weeks ( still not feeling 100%) and then I injured myself last Monday. I say all of this because what was truly helping me was my walks. Being sick- with asthma flare ups- it’s hard to breathe, which means it’s hard to walk long distances. My injury involved my ankle and knees, which again takes away from my walks. I am not the type to stay still for too long, so this has just been a hard adjustment for me after I was doing such a great job. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am just annoyed with my body. But even with that annoyance, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am healing- no matter how slow it is. I am grateful for having “minor” issues. I am grateful for the time to “slow down” physically as I have been non-stop at work.
With all of that, my focus on my personal projects should be increased, right? Yet, it hasn’t been so. I have to seriously look into myself and my goals that I have set and see what I am truly doing for myself. I was recently “confronted” in a way in being asked, ‘what are your goals for your self?” I named quite a few, yet they weren’t satisfied with the answers. They were still external projects. “What are you doing for my self? Your inner self.” While I have been doing well on my self-care practices, hearing that made me reevaluate. I realized that I have not directly set goals in that area. I have not directly been motivated to heal internally and set clear and direct goals. Maybe with those goals, I can stay motivated with the external goals. Maybe with those goals I can let this feeling of being “lost” go. It’s amazing how much work we have to put into ourselves and we don’t. We put in work at work. And that has to change.
If this seems a little all of over the place….welcome to my brain. 🙂 While the anxiety is slowing down, it is still there. But talking things out on here or my journal helps tremendously. So to whoever reads this, maybe you feel the same some days. Or maybe you recently moved on from this place. Or maybe you are like this woman is just…whatever. I appreciate you reading anyways. Today, I am just being reflective and patient towards myself. Goals are ever evolving.
Peace and Love,